With the hum of the tires on the interstate and tears streaming down my cheeks, I wonder how it is possible to feel absolutely ripped in two pieces, each leading in opposite directions. It has taken me weeks to actually pen a goodbye, with dozens of crinkled up papers burned in the sink so there was no chance he would get an inkling of my plan to leave. And as I travel along this highway on a hot, Friday afternoon, the sun's rays glaring into the windshield unforgiving of impeding my vision, I can't help but take in the russet colored, rugged terrain. As it flies by in my peripheral leading me away from my substitute life, I remember all too well the first time I left here thinking about how I would miss the sun and my hair-brained mother, dreading the cold, wetness of Forks. This time I leave under very different circumstances, and while leaving is one of the most difficult decisions I've ever come to, I cannot help but feel like I am traveling this road today back to myself. I cannot get out of my mind how Jake is going to react when he gets home and finds me gone. I can only hope now that my letter clearly expresses my journey to this day, and that he can someday forgive me.

~*~*~

My Dearest Jake,

Apologizing profusely is so inferior to the worth I should bestow upon the gift of your heart and soul these past five years. Sorrow cannot, in the miniscule sense of the word, encompass the torture I have felt these past few weeks as I memorized the adoration your eyes always reflect back to me, knowing that this day was converging upon us, and my decision would forever distort that image. The ultimate consequences of what I've done, leaving you, are still unclear to me, but I am precisely aware of the the pain I'm inflicting upon you and how unfair it is. The agony I bear knowing not only that I won’t be here to comfort you, but that I am the cause of your suffering tears away a piece of my heart. And, I am confident that piece will encase the love that we shared in a corner that will never be touched by another, for a corresponding portion of my heart will forever belong to you. I’m not even sure I like what I'm doing or myself for doing it, but something tells me to run, and honey, you know me. I cannot do anything halfway or half-heartedly. It’s all, or it’s none, and the choice must be all. I take with me all of the fear of what lies ahead, all of the guilt for failing you, and all of the responsibility for abusing the love we share. I have to take everything with me now and make a clean break from our life. I know I've done this the coward's way, but I promise I have agonized over this for weeks and I know if given the chance you would not let me leave without a fight. Truthfully, I am just as torn inside and know I do not possess the power to face you. So, I convinced myself that this way was my only guaranteed retreat.

You saved me once, Jake. When my future was ripped from me, I felt as though I had died. I ran to Phoenix thinking that I could escape the hurt and pain. But, the absence of him only heightened my despair and I truly believed my heart would stop beating, catching up to the death that the rest of my body already slumbered in. When you showed up on my doorstep bringing just a piece of the life I left behind, it was enough to awaken some existence in me. Your vibrant demeanor gave me the hope that I could survive, and for that I am eternally grateful. Every day you came to me and built upon the previous day's whisper of a smile, until one day that smile appeared at the meer sight of you. You made me laugh when I never thought I would have anything to laugh about. You somehow convinced me that I could have a happy life when I believed happiness was a fleeting dream I no longer thought I even wanted. In those months, you brought me back to life, and I did grow to love you. How could I not? Please know that the life we built together was real, and with every fiber of my being I struggled to ignore the sounds in my head. But, these little voices were always whispering to me that I should go and this should end. And lately the whispers became screams that I could no longer filter. I found myself listening and relinquishing myself to the truth of the voices. The truth that I've always known and strained to keep buried in memories I thought would eventually disappear, but haven't. The voices know the memories hold the person I really am and lost a long time ago, but can no longer deny still exists.

My clearest explanation of why or how I let this go on for so long is that I simply lost myself in you. You pulled me from the depths of emptiness, so many years ago, and allowing myself to be seen through your eyes was the safest place for me. Unfortunately now, I don’t know who I am without you. All I know is that I should, I need to know. And the need to recognize myself burns through my soul every time I catch my reflection, realizing the image casting back to me is your vision, a facade I've allowed to exist for too long. The burning is all consuming now, I must quench the desire to discover myself.

I have always thought that love was black and white, that it was wrong or it was right. So, how could I ever determine that your love was wrong? I know you love me, and that all encompassing love granted me the path to my most grievous sin- presuming your love was enough for both of us. My presumption cheated you out of the love you most assuredly deserve. I know now that love is not so clear cut as two ends of a color spectrum, or the difference between right and wrong . Love manifests itself in a multitude of layers. While I do love you, Jake, my love is not what it should be. I vowed my life and love to you five years ago, and although I hold our vows close to my heart, my promise to you can no longer include a romantic love. No matter where our lives take us from here, I will never be far from where you are if you should ever call upon me, I will be there as your dearest friend. You mean more to me than you will ever know, and that is impenetrable. The bitter irony is that you taught me how to trust myself, granting me the courage to say to you that this is what I have to do.

Although it won’t seem like it right now, I promise that someday you will know that this was the right choice, even for you. I don’t know if I can stand another woman's hand upon you; all I know is that I should. The thought of leaving you alone is what kept me here for so long, but lately I’ve come to realize that you are not alone. There is someone who gazes at you the way I should. I beg you, even though you will feel it is wrong, please allow Leah to be there for you. I don’t want to leave you thinking that I might change my mind, because as much as the honesty pains me, it is not my mind that is steadfast. It is my heart that guides me now. You know Leah loves you. Open yourself up to her, look in her eyes, as they do not lie. I love her because she loves you and has been a dear friend to both of us. I am not sure how she has survived the torture all these years of having her heart's desire so close and yet equivocally unattainable. She followed you here and stood by you even when you married another, befriending me as I took you for myself. That is a sacrificing love, that is something to cherish. I pray that Leah dares to stand where I stood, because Jake, she’s the one who should have stood there all along.

I’m sorry and I love you.

Goodbye.

Bella

~*~*~

Leah and Jake fit together. After all, she had followed him to Phoenix, knowing he had come for me. Ironically, it was her love for Jake that made me think I could build a life with him, and my love would grow. I was jealous of the way Leah's eyes would come to life when Jake walked in the room. She always looked at Jake with such longing and love. Leah looked at Jake in the same way that Jake looked at me, and I wanted that too. I took a chance. I gambled with all of our lives. I was so wrong, and I don't know how Leah has stood by and watched me take advantage of Jake's love, knowing she could love him the way he deserves. I can't help but wonder if deep down inside Leah always believed this day would come, that kind of patience is love. How did she bear standing next to me as I married Jake? I hope she stands by him now.

~*~*~

Dear Leah,

I want to thank you for your friendship through the years. It really has meant a lot to me, especially in these past few weeks. I allowed myself to be blinded to your feelings for Jake. Blinded because I felt indebted to him for saving me and desired to be the person he sees. I am not that person, and I know that now. I am confident that you will understand my need to leave better than anyone, for I believe that you feel that my love for Jake is not as complete as yours is for him. I can see it in your eyes Leah, it is clear as a crystal to me now, and it has helped me recently to free myself, and see that I am cheating Jake and you out of the life you both deserve together. You, better than anyone, know that you cannot help who you love, and I am here to tell you that you cannot help who you don't love either. I cannot love Jake the way you do. I will always love him in the way that I do, as the friend he has always been, but no longer can I be his lover.

I understand that you will be angry with me for hurting him, and I am angry with myself for not being honest with myself and Jake sooner. But, please be there for Jake. Leah, I swear to you that he loves you too, he just has the blinders on still. Jake will probably hold onto his childhood fantasy of me, but if you stand by him he will come around. I'm sure this all seems very surreal and it truly is. But, you have my utmost blessing and I beg you not to give up on him. You have lasted this long, please don't give up now. He needs you now more than ever. I make this solemn promise to you that I will never take him from you again. You both will always be dear friends, but I promise I am leaving for good. You have my blessing to stand where I stood, right next to him, the space that always should have truly belonged to you.

Go to him, please.

Goodbye.

Bella

~*~*~

As the sun sets and my home fades in the distance, I hear the the alert on my phone signaling that I have a text message. As I read the text, "How could you do this to him? I hope that he will let me take care of him, for his sake not yours" the words cut me to the bone, while at the same time giving me a glimmer of light in this draining day, because her words tell me that she understands and will be there for Jake. I continue down the long stretch of highway knowing I travel to my future, to myself.

~*~*~

The End