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Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
August 16, 2017 07:49 PM · On:
It's wonderful to have these two new chapters, Jason. While I understand completely that writing is an art, and, as such, is not something that can be forced if one's muse is not cooperating, I do so hope you will be able to continue adding chapters here on twilighted until the Jason Culhane story is told in its entirety!!! This and one other post-Breaking Dawn fanfic here on this site vie for my favorite - and both stories could easily bear up to the scrutiny of professional, published works (the writing in both is simply that good). Actually, I've thought each time I read either series that had the stories been written as unique, original works rather than a continuation of someone else's story, I imagine they would succeed brilliantly as published literature sold to the general public (I know I'd certainly purchase them!).
Now down to a bit of constructive criticism, if I may... In the segment below, there were a couple of minor issues that interrupted the flow of the story. The first one was the double use of the word "that" in the first sentence shown (...that, no matter how fleeting, that...).
The second issue is less obvious and, I'll allow, more subjective. Where it says "...so it let us let go..." I found myself having to reread it a couple times because I kept stumbling over the nearly back to back use of "let" (though it could just be that I was already a bit tripped up from the "that" issue and so was more sensitive). Perhaps it could be altered to read something like, "...so it allowed us to let go..." (or you could substitute "permitted" or phrase "offered us the opportunity") or "let go of" could be replaced with something like "release" or "escape" so that it would read, "...so it allowed us to release a little of the tension and enjoy the moment..." These are just a small sample of the alternatives, of course, and your vocabulary is such that I trust you'd have no difficulty at all in providing others. ;)
This is the section to which I referred above. Both issues are contained in the same paragraph (conveniently enough). Quote:
"... it finally hit us both then that, no matter how fleeting, that we were on an actual honeymoon. It was as though there was no easy way back with our driver departed, so it let us let go of a little of the tension and enjoy the moment."
~- *>* *.* *o* *?* *o* *.* *<* -~
Here's another issue with flow - or, perhaps it is just confusing (though I admit I'm having difficulty myself trying to reword it so that it reads smoothly while continuing to convey your original message):
"The script was very flowy but precise, most likely Edward's, which was probably why Alice had undoubtedly twisted his arm into writing it."
I think it could be written as somethng like, "The script was very flowy but precise, most likely Edward's, which Alice had probably twisted his arm into writing." After reading it a few times, I decided it was the word "why" in the sentence that was causing most of the confusion - it was making it sound as an explanation of why Edward was the one writing the note rather than illustrating that Edward had been reluctant to write it leading Alice to offer the arm-twisting inducement (this is just my own personal interpretation of this segment, however, and I encourage you to ask for additional opinions to be sure others agree that this not only is a bit confusing as written but also as to how it might be phrased to better convey your original meaning. ;) While I may be able to proof-read someone else's work, having the ability to "turn a phrase" with ease and elegance is not an asset I possess).
~- *>* *.* *o* *?* *o* *.* *<* -~
I'm totally confused on what this part means (I had thought it was going to be some reference to kissing the Blarney Stone when it began):
"I believe in Ireland they say what are you like."
"That they do. I guess I am a little infatuated and a bit in love with you, Leah Culhane."
What does it mean when she said, "I believe in Ireland they say what you are like"?
~- *>* *.* *o* *?* *o* *.* *<* -~
There are a couple things about your writing that I don't believe I have mentioned but which deserve commenting... First, I want to compliment you on how you handle the intimate scenes. I am not prudish by any means, but some writers turn their fanfics into little more than smut - or perhaps I should politely call it erotica (I have nothing against that genre, I just prefer to choose when to read that type of material rather than having it slipped in unexpectedly under the guise of something less risque). You handled it in a way well suited to SM's original style (of course, with Jason's age at the start of Equinox being only 16, too much detail could become problematic with various governments).
The other area I wanted to be sure to praise was your handling of details with regard to clothing, decorations, etc. I cannot begin to tell you how utterly bored I become when I am reading (anything from fanfic to professionally published novels) when an author carries on and on about the most inane details - every ruffle and bow, ribbon and pearl, cut and style of a dress only to then drag us through it again reading about shoes, jewelry, accessories, and so forth. I am a woman and if I am skimming over all of that to avoid all the tedious details, I cannot imagine many men enjoying those detailed descriptions (I won't even start on the ones who feel the need to describe every morsel of food laid on the table during a five-course meal). The way you gave us enough details to picture the engagement party and wedding along with the gist of what people were wearing was perfectly balanced - enough information for a reader to picture the scene but without giving us a description of every tiny detail.
One other consideration I keep meaning to mention yet have managed to forget repeatedly until now is my appreciation for your not begging for reviews at the end of each chapter. I admit I do not understand the obsession so many fanfic authors seem to have about review counts (I can understand wanting to see a high count on the number of times their story has been read as well, of course, as hoping to see the highest possible star rating, but the issue with reviews escapes me). While reading various stories here on twilighted, I've seen authors beg, bribe, and even threaten to withhold updates until receiving the number of reviews deemed acceptible, and all of it has the tendency to make me not want to review! I'm not sure if you refrain from asking people to review because you realize that the review count does not necessarily equate to the quality of a story or if it is just not your way, but, whatever the reason, I thank you! Your stories are superb, and I appreciate not having all the review-begging tainting the experience.
~- *>* *.* *o* *?* *o* *.* *<* -~
As with my previous reviews, I wrote this one as I progressed through the chapter to ensure I didn't forget things by the time I reached the end... and a very good thing I did! What a cliffhanger...and there are no more new chapters yet!!! :( So, from this one lowly reader who just happens to tremendously enjoy reading your story and who now desperately wants to know what happens next, please, please, please find the time/inspiration asap! The not-knowing is going to drive me bonkers for a while now.
Hi, Rebecca, thanks so much for your reviews. They mean a lot. I am unfortunately a bit stuck for time and inspiration at the moment. Me and my wife are due a baby soon so suffice it to say my focus is elsewhere! I do intend to eventually finish Spring Tide and I'm sorry it's come out so far in dribs and drabs. Thank you for your suggestions and to answer your question, what are you like is an Irish/UK turn of phrase usually said to or about someone who has done or said something silly or outrageous, and it can be said mockingly or as endearment. Hopefully I'll begin writing properly again before the year is out.
Reviewer: Costa (Signed)
February 12, 2017 01:49 PM · On:
Heya, Jason!!! Always a pleasure to have you back! ^_^
Ah, l'amour! Alice really had the bestest of the ideas. You two really needed that just-you-two time after all that happened lately. Points for her:
'"Your honeymoon, of course.(...) We're not sending you far, and not for long. It's two nights in Seattle. You'll have a nice room in a fancy-ish hotel, a romantic meal or two, and you'll see the sights. Mostly, you'll just have some precious time alone, time together that you deserve and might not get for a while."(...) I picked Leah up, her legs wrapped around me, and let her down on the bed as our hands found zips and buttons.(...) We found each others lips again, found our way under the sheets, and, at last, allowed ourselves to be lost in this moment and in each other.'
But, as Murphy demands, you couldn't have more than one nigh, before everythig goes up in flames. Literally!!
'The waves passed over the masses running down the streets away from a threat I had not yet seen. Then, I realised the threat was among them. Vampires. I counted five, eight, fourteen, and then it became clear that there at least several dozen.(...) At street level, everything within a one-block radius was in ruins. I noticed then just beyond the wrecks of several vehicles in front of us stood two vampires. One was ebony-skinned, completely bald, and had a look of absolute menace in his blood red eyes.(...) Suddenly, the girl looked more focused and just as she eyed us with a similar degree of odium to her counterpart, the wind ceased, the last raindrops fell, as if someone had thrown down a bucket of water, and the clouds evaporated.(...) "Know this, we are here. Your fate is sealed." "Who's we?" "His guard. His army. Your death." The distortions around him intensified.(...) I encompassed us both in a solid sphere of blackness and lifted us off the ground and over the water. Suddenly, the shimmering blur around him turned a fiery orange like molten metal, and shot in our direction. It impacted the blackness like a missile, erupting in a blinding explosion like had happened before. It did not breach the sphere, but the force projected us far from the city and across the water like a skipping stone.'
Hell, I feel bad for you two. You should have a break. Just a tiny one?
But I admit this will shake things. The waiting is over!
I imagine the black guy with a hot temper is the replacement of your late (and good riddance) cousin Sorcha (what are the odds of finding two of those?). And the girl... If I had to guess, she is Aro's version of Storm of the X-Men.
I have to give it to Aro. Instead of waiting until his main army is ready, a surprise attack with a very capable Special Ops Strike Team. Good strategy.
And I'm really scared for you, guys.
Please, have mercy on my nails and don't take too long to free us of this cliffhanger. If you don't post again soon, my fingers might not survive the wait! :-P
Hi, Costa, thank you so much. I hadsn't realised I hadn't responded. A lot going on life-wise as me and my wife are expecting. I hope to be back to writing more soon.
Reviewer: brandylover26 (Signed)
January 15, 2017 03:55 AM · On:
Absolutely loved this chapter, please keep going!
Thank you so much, it's my intention for this year to focus more on my writing, so hopefully I'll have a new chapter up soon.
Reviewer: brandylover26 (Signed)
January 15, 2017 03:51 AM · On:
I love this story! Please keep writing! I really want to know what happens next!
Reviewer: xanath (Signed)
January 10, 2017 01:37 PM · On:
Great chapter, Keep up the good work. Thanks
Thank you, this year will hopefully be better for writing consistency!
Reviewer: Debbie1870 (Signed)
September 09, 2016 10:14 PM · On:
I really want to keep reading on! Great story. Keep writing. Thank you.
Thanks so much Debbie, I'm working on the next chapter, it should be up in the coming week.
Reviewer: Debbie1870 (Signed)
September 09, 2016 10:14 PM · On:
I really want to keep reading on! Great story. Keep writing. Thank you.
Reviewer: Costa (Signed)
September 07, 2016 01:05 PM · On:
Jason!! I thought I wouldn't hear from you again. Welcome back, man!!! X-D
"Well, am, Jason, I told you Alice came to me with a proposal."(...) "I want to plan our wedding."(...) "I also want to move the date up, a lot." "How much is a lot?" "Saturday." "Saturday the...?" "...This Saturday."(...) "I want to be your wife, Jason, and you my husband, and I want it to happen before this battle comes. Who knows, Jason, maybe we'll survive and be together anyhow but if the worst happens, I want to be married to you when it does. I want for you and me to face it together as husband and wife. So, Jason, will you marry me on Saturday?" I smiled in adoration for one second before saying, "Of course, I will." Heheeh!! What can I say? That I deeply wish that the worst doesn't happen. And congratulations! ^_^
"Well, man, it's all over for you now." "What?" "Pretty soon, the ball and chain will be firmly locked in to place, and there'll be no going back. You're toast." "Seriously, Emmett?" "Damn straight." "This coming from the man who's remarried his wife over a dozen times."(...) "Just giving you some advance warning from a man of experience." "No kidding." "Excuse me?" "Well, let's face it, Emmett, you're pushing on a bit. You ain't no young whipper snapper anymore." "Do you want your wife to walk up the aisle to your severed head?" "Calm, Emmett, calm, I'm only joking." "You know I don't like the age jokes." "I do." *snickers* Ah, you and Emmett...
'We heard the footfalls first and off in the distance, we could see them coming our way, fast.(...) Garrett said, "Six against forty, those are rather steep odds."(...) I was preparing to release a blast of the mindfire down slope to meet them when they all just stopped.(...) Then from among the group, a redheaded woman stepped forward.(...) She called up to us, "Are you minions of Aro?" Edward decided to respond, "No, we are the ones he seeks to destroy." After a short delay as he took in the collective thoughts of our adversaries, he added, "You must be friends of Isolde."' *whew* They interrupted your bachelor party, but reinforcement trumps party-poppers! :-P
I'm very happy for you and Leah, Jason, and can't wait to hear from you all again.
Just a hint: one of the aspects of the story I'm more anxious to hear from is what will happen when the humans realize what is happening, since Aro isn't worried about drawing attention this time. So, whenever you have something for us... ;)
Hi, Costa, so glad to hear from you. Again, apologies for the massive delay in getting back to this story. I hope to have another chapter up between now and this day week which will start address the whole human response to the situation. Thanks for reviewing and continuing to follow this story.
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 09, 2016 10:15 AM · On:
"the cottage, which they’d quickly rebuilt after the Volturi’s last incursion, hoping that they hadn’t done so just to have it torn down again." -- I see one of my questions from last chapter has been addressed. :)
" Not that I was in a position to judge them as a strange couple, after all, my mate wasn’t even the same species as me." -- just a quick nerd moment here. Technically, two beings who can reproduce a viable offspring which can also reproduce are in the same species. They would just be different breeds of said species (for example, a horse and a donkey can reproduce to create a mule but mules are sterile, therefore horses and donkeys are different species. However, if you take a Chihuahua and a Great Dane and mate them, they will produce offspring which can then reproduce more offspring leaving them different breeds within the larger species group). I know, this is another unimportant little tidbit, but the scientist in me couldn't let it pass without comment (it is something I think everytime I see someone comment that the vampires and werewolves/shifters are different species from humans and each other). ;)
"“I do not require more power, Jasper. I merely want things to remain as they are, which they will not if I try to abstain from this war, or join the opposing side. I’m not stupid, Jasper. I know Aro means to tear through the continent like the coming of the apocalypse, and I would much rather be a willing participant than just another conscripted pawn.”
Jasper shook his head and replied, “You really are a fool, Maria, or you’ve just convinced yourself that volunteering out of fear and lack of choice is the same as choosing. You are just a tool to the Volturi, one which they will run into the ground just as soon as those that they forced to join their ranks.” Jasper looked about and said in a raised voice, “And that goes for the rest of you, too.”
There were some murmurs, shuffling, and sideways glances among Maria’s recruits. The Mexicans had not even flinched. Peter had calmed somewhat by then, so Carlisle stepped forward to address the other vampires. He said, “Jasper is right. You think by siding with Maria, with Aro, that you are choosing the winning side. Perhaps that will be the case, but it is not you who will claim victory, for few of you will live to see it. You are nothing to the Mexicans, or to the Volturi, nothing but sacrificial pawns to be deployed and expended until Aro gets what he wants. Join them and I guarantee you even if they win, you will not like the world that you will find yourselves in. You want to live as you always have, for things to remain as they are, well, that is not what you are choosing right now. You are choosing to help the Volturi make the greatest power grab in the history of our kind, to expand their tyranny beyond all restraint. You are choosing to enslave yourselves to them, and under Aro’s imperial rule, you will never know freedom, and you will never again know peace. The choice is still yours, however, so I urge you to make the right one.”" -- I love your writing in that segment. Maria's description of what Aro has in store for the Americas is such that it causes you to grasp the sheer magnitude of the coming war, but Carlisle's speech was inspired! Who would want to side with someone in a coming war if they knew the one whose side they took would then make slaves of them...assuming they lived that long? Bravo!
"We have joined with the Mexicans in the hopes of preserving our way of life, but your words have certainly brought us a fresh perspective. My question to you is therefore quite simple. If we were to join your side, what can you offer us that the Mexicans and Volturi cannot?”
“I don’t know quite what you mean.”
“Let me rephrase, what guarantees can you give us? You say a world in which the Volturi have won and have absolute power will be one of servitude and terror for those of us left standing. Yet, you have not said what we can expect afterward if victory should fall to you.”
Carlisle considered but a moment and replied, “For now, I can guarantee you will not be used, you will not be needlessly sacrificed, you will not be forced into any action against your will. In fact, if any of you choose to abandon Maria now and flee this place to find shelter from this storm, we will not pursue you, or press you into serving our cause instead. Do you think Aro would say the same or Maria for that matter?”
Maria looked sour, but she still did not respond. Najac regarded her with narrowed eyes but still maintained his perpetual smile. He returned his attention to Carlisle and asked, “And what about after you win? We all know the Olympic Coven is large with many powerful gifts to hand. You also have the allegiance of these shapeshifters, and you have many loyal friends among our kind, too, themselves gifted. In a world with no Volturi, that equates to a great deal of power. How do we know that you will not try to fill the vacuum left by the demise of Aro? How do we know that you will not see fit to impose your way of life upon us? We know you feed upon animals and coexist with the humans. What if that’s not what we want? What if we want to return to our lives as they were before the war when all this is over?” " -- I gotta hand it to Najac, he asks intelligent questions and is looking to the future and not just getting through the present intact.
"If your covens have gifts or anything of use to him, he will find a way to exploit it. " -- This was a point of argument I was thinking of after finishing Equinox, that when trying to convince other covens to join them, they need to emphasize that if they have anything Aro wants he will take it from them. And even if they do not have any gifted members at present, who is to say that they will not have one at some point in the future? Are they willing to have someone snatched from them to satify another's greed?
I'm glad to see you utilizing that argument because that is what it boils down to for everyone - no one will be safe from the Volturri should they win. Aro was bad before but at least he pretended he only acted when laws were broken. But after this, why bother? If he wants it, he'll take it without pretense of justice or who he has to kill to get it. They must understand that this upcoming battle is everyone's fight and that their freedom, way of life, and very lives are at stake now.
" It was a ploy. The whole attack had been cover so she could make good her escape." -- Wouldn't Edward have known this was her plan, that she'd run while her followers were killed? In a situation like they were in, he would have been scanning the minds of everyone around him to be sure there were no surprises coming and to make sure they got all the information they could, but I would expect his largest concentration would be on Maria since he knows from Jasper what kind of person she is.
I hope I am not insulting by asking questions like these...I don't mean to be, and I certainly don't intend them as criticisms. It is just in my nature to spot holes in a plot line (my husband loves to spot editing mistakes in movies and television - things like hair being over one should in one shot and then over the other shoulder in the next, or someone's shirt not being buttoned the same, etc. He nitpics movies and I nitpic books...lol. But it doesn't make us like the movie or book any less just because we spot these things). ;)
Alas, I've reached the end of this saga - or at least I've read all that is currently available. I would truly love to see this third story finished. The teaser for it was the most exciting of the three and one I very much wanted to read, so if you ever decide to finish it...
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 09, 2016 07:53 AM · On:
""So what are we celebrating?"
Her eyes nearly fell out of her head. She smacked Dermot over the head before saying with her finger in his face, "I will have you killed, my love, before the Volturi ever get here. Why did you not tell me about this? He’s, for all intents and purposes, your brother, and you don’t tell me he’s getting married? " -- Ha! Wait 'til she learns he already has two children running around the place! :D
"Edward arrived with Bella and Renesmee not long after." -- just wondering where Edward, Bella and Renesmee are living now that their fairy cottage was burned by the Volturri (though the stone would likely still be standing, I can't image they'd bother to repair it at this time with so much else going on and the possibility they would have to move soon).
"Sue Clearwater couldn’t even bring Charlie along, as none of them would really understand mine and Leah’s relationship, or accept it for that matter." -- I think Charlie would be okay with it as long as he knew it was one of those "Need to know" things and not what it appeared. By now, he has to have noticed that none of the Cullens are aging, especially his daughter, so I don't think it would be that great of a stretch for him. If Edward still looks 17 seven or so years after he first met him, having Jason look 16 wouldn't necessarily mean he was that age. And they could just tell him the freshman cover was just the public story. I know Edward told him about their use of public cover stories when Charlie first met Renesmee because when Charlie demanded "no more lies" he said it was important for him to know the story the public would be told. Again, it is not much of a stretch to extend that to Jason. Just my take on it, though. ;)
""We-were in California, near San Diego. We found her, we found that bitch, Maria."
"Calm down, Peter, what happened then?"
"We made contact but before we could say a word, she had her coven mates subdue us. She killed her, Jasper. She killed my Charlotte."" -- I had caught this quote in another review for this story and wondered at the time why Alice would not have seen this, especially given the closeness between Peter and Charlotte and Alice and Jasper. Given the degree to which this news would upset Alice and devastate Jasper, it would be a significant future event. Unless Maria has a hybrid or some other being who could block Alice's visions (in which case Alice would be seeing a blank), it feels off. I had thought before (even during Breaking Dawn) that when any of them are seeking a particular person, Alice is as good as having a tracker because she only has to see which decision would lead them to the one they sought (like how she knew what hunting routes would be safe for them to use during the stand-off with Sam's pack while Bella was pregnant. She said she'd know which routes to avoid because they would be the routes that disappeared in her visions). Once the decision was made for Jasper and Peter to get in contact with Maria, Alice should have seen what would result (again, barring her having something that would block her visions, but, again, that would lead to her seeing a blankness rather than not having a vision - if that makes sense. I suppose it would be like looking at pitch blackness verses looking at a void).
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 08, 2016 08:00 PM · On:
Oops! I forgot one last thing that I told myself to be sure to mention. I am wondering about the purpose for having Jason attend school in Forks. I suppose I could see it as just a bit of extra fluff in this story, but there was a bit much of that aspect for it to be just that. And then, when he went back to school again while Leah was pregnant, there were all these changes that were left with no background information nor any resolution. In fact, after that one bit where he discovers all the changes and finds poor Isaac all alone, none of the humans were mentioned again. I did kind of wonder what excuse was given for why Jason disappeared from school yet again because I cannot imagine he was willing to stay away from Leah and the children just to go play at being human especially considering the problems he was having with the blackness and their worry over Harry's unusual behavior.
I just wanted to point it out should you ever decide to finish the series or go into professional writing because I know it tends to drive observant readers batty when the branches of the story's tree are just suddenly cut off without explanation (I don't find it often, but I have had that occur in published books before and am always amazed that no editor or prereader pointed it out to the author before publication).
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 08, 2016 07:50 PM · On:
"you must now accept, Carlisle, that this will inevitably come to a fight, on the scale of all out war." -- I agree with Marcus here (and with the Romanians in this scene). Carlisle cannot keep up this stance of passive resistance where Aro can keep coming against them but then walk away clean when the odds even out. Sooner or later he will devise a way to get what he wants if given enough opportunities. While allowing them to leave at the end of Breaking Dawn was acceptible because the Volturri at least at the perception that they had come to punish the creation of an Immortal Child, this latest attempt had no such cover. Since this attack was unwarranted, no one would blame the Cullens and their allies for fighting back to protect themselves.
"“Aro became quite obsessed with the possibility that you specifically, Carlisle, would attempt to overthrow him to protect your interests. He had already seen you raise quite a large army to support you, and the abilities you possessed among your coven and allies disturbed him even then.”
“Aro knows raising an army was not my intent.”
“He has never seen it that way. He believes you deceitful and power-hungry.”
“Then he is deluded.”
“Quite, but that changes nothing." -- I'm a bit confused here. Since we know that Aro has read Carlisle's mind previously and more recently had all of Edward's thoughts (both during New Moon in Volterra and then again at the end of Breaking Dawn) and Edward would have a huge amount of Carlisle's thought's given their tenure together, I'm having difficulty understanding why Aro would believe Carlisle ever wanted power. It just isn't who he is. The part about him being deluded, is that meant to say that he is insane and thereby creating a persona for Carlisle that does not exist? It is easy enough to believe that Aro is starting all these conflicts with the Cullens because of greed. That makes perfect sense and still fits in with all the known personality traits of the various characters. But in the fanfics I've read where they have Aro obsessed with defeating the Cullens, he is often portrayed as doing so because he is afraid Carlise wants his power (not just of losing his power, but that Carlisle himself wants take it). That explanation is the one that I cannot seem to grasp due to Aro's gift (if it were just Caius, then I could accept it readily, but Aro knows differently).
Great ending, though now I've read the setup for the next story in the series and it was never finished. :( It's been long enough time since an update that I cannot imagine there will ever be one, but I do want to leave a comment expressing my opinion that you should continue writing - and not just specifically fanfics in this series, though I won't deny that I'd love to be able to read it in its entirety. You have a real talent for story telling, and I thank you for sharing Harvest Moon and Equinox with us!
Thank you, Rebecca, for all your reviews. I promise I have been reading them all, and I'm sorry I don't have much time to answer all of them individually. I do regret not continuing the third story at the time but unfortunatewly life got in the way and writing got away from me in general, not just here on Twilighted. I do keep a blog, so as not to completely lose touch, but that's easier to maintain than a story unfortunately. I hope to start back into the story this year, so if you want to hold off on starting reading it, I may have more material for the second half of the year. Thanks again, for all your reviews, I do appreciate the feedback. I tend to write in an all-at-once rush when I'm in that zone, so I unfortunately sometimes lose a little consistency in the storyline. I hope it hasn't taken too much from the story, and that iwas still enjoyable. Thanks again.
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 08, 2016 06:42 PM · On:
"Aro had extended his hand and Marcus shook it in what looked like an overly firm grip. He smiled, too, but it was like ice. Aro seemed not to notice. He said, “Brother, welcome, you have been missed in Volterra.” ... the timing of your return could not have been more opportune. We have suffered some terrible losses this day, brother, but together, we can put down this burgeoning rebellion against our rule.”
“Rebels, you say?”
“Yes, brother, yes, and I see you brought reinforcements. Have them join our ranks and let us end this once and for all.”" --- I'm probably writing prematurely (since the line above is as far as I've gotten) but wouldn't Aro know that Marcus now knows Aro is guilty of Didyme's murder the second he took Marcus' hand? I'd think that would wipe the welcoming smile off his face. He'd also know about any plans Marcus might have made to act against Aro and Caius, wouldn't he?
On a somewhat related note, I was wondering about Demetri. I have not read the Twlight Guide yet, but I am curious what it might say about Demetri. He is so often portrayed as a more neutral or sometimes even good figure in the fanfics I've read that it has made me wonder if perhaps he would be like most normal vampires if it wasn't for Chelsea's influence tying his loyalty to the Volturri (by normal, I just mean a vampire who goes about his business with no malice or manipulations. He kills humans, of course, but solely for the purposes of feeding and would likely not attempt to harm another vampire unless provoked to protect his kill, his territory, or his mate). While reading Equinox, I kept wondering about him - whether he stayed with Marcus or went back to the Volturri - because if he had returned to Aro, there was no place Jason could hide, not even the deepest recesses of the Amazon.
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 08, 2016 05:03 PM · On:
I'm still wondering what is up with Alice's visions. Wouldn't she have seen that the Volturri would chase and capture Jason and the others when they ran? The one thing I kept wondering all along (even back when they were trying to get people into Washington) was why they couldn't utilize air travel. Even if the Volturri were monitoring or somehow blocking legitmate means like Sea-Tac and even the smaller air fields, why not use the same forgotten strip that was used when bringing Jason, Leah, Dermot, and Fiona back from Ireland? Or, of course, there is the option of the Cullens just outright buying an airplane or helicopter and flying it themselves. Then there is the west side option - travel by water. Whether they used a boat or swam, it would be much more difficult for the Volturri to catch anyone coming in or out by water because you have a three-dimensional area to monitor (at least for the vampires because they can stay underwater indefinitely).
One other thing that keeps coming to mind (at least here at the end of the chapter) is why Harry is not hijacking Alec's gift and turning it on the Volturri. Chloe could take care of Jane, so between the two children, the strongest weapons of the Volturri could be not only completely neutralized, but even turned against them. (I know it said earlier Harry has to study a gift before he can alter it, but he clearly understands Alec's gift by now since he turned it off during that first meeting with Sorcha, Alec, and Felix.)
I don't mean to sound critical because I truly have been enjoying your series, and I think the quality of your writing is on par for professional writers (and I read way more than the average person - even those who enjoy books! I'm disabled and don't care for television, so that leaves quite a lot of time on my hands much of which is spent reading). But I have noticed these discrepencies and they leave me wondering "why?"
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 08, 2016 08:05 AM · On:
For anyone else who might not know what an interferent is: Noun. (plural interferents). (chemistry) Any substance whose presence interferes with an analytical procedure and generates incorrect results.
"Seth had to be a godparent. He was still the only one the boy would crack a smile for, and the only one who could ever get him out of the deep contemplation he always seemed to be locked in. He was so different from Chloe. Whilst she was overactive, he was almost sedentary. He was quite content to sit in one place for hours on end and look over every square centimetre of an object, be it a rattle, a toy truck, or a playbook. He’d just turn it over in his hands, hold it up in the air, observe it from every possible angle and in the end, he’d just put it aside and move on to something else. Despite his quiet and unobtrusive nature, he did not sleep nearly as long as his sister. I knew because I just sat and read whilst Leah and twins nodded off each night. Four hours was the longest I clocked him sleeping, and nearly every night he’d doze off at midnight and wake up long before sunrise. I guessed Chloe ran down more of her energy reserves during the day but still, that endless look of intense concentration, like he was studying these things.
One night, in the middle of February, at around ten to twelve, I had just put down some homework reading, for English no less, I wasn’t going to give Mr. Mason the satisfaction of me falling behind again. I felt eyes on me. Something tonight was different. When I turned, Harry was standing, holding the wooden bars of his cot. His eyes had been boring into the back of my head, like he wanted me to realise it, and it worked. He pointed at something on the locker beside the bed. All that was there was my wolf sculpture, which I had moved there. I stood, picked it up, and then knelt down in front of Harry, cradling the sculpture. He put his hands out for it, but I reached through the bars and ruffled his thick black hair and said, “It’s almost midnight, little man. Isn’t it about time for you to be nodding off.” To my surprise, he shook his head in the negative and kept his hands held out. I asked, “Why not?”
He considered a moment. Then, he spoke. “Not finished.”
So, not one word, two words, two totally relevant, coherent words. I was gobsmacked and just stared at him dumbly for what must have been a minute. He just waited patiently with his arms still extended. I asked, “What…what are you trying to do, my Harry?” I’d taken to calling the twins my Chloe and my Harry. Leah loved it.
He replied, “Learn.”
“Learn? Learn what?”
I handed him the sculpture, stood back, and watched. He scrutinised it for one hour exactly, set it aside, and went to sleep. That night I worried something might be wrong, for he did not wake again for eight hours. .... You have to remember that when he’s with his uncle, he behaves as any normal child would.”
Leah replied, “But even that is strange, isn’t it? He responds like that to Seth only.”" -- You have my curiosity peeked. What up with the strange behavior, little Harry? (And, of course, it is only amped that much more when Harry starts trying to use the blackness that resides inside his father's mind.) And while it is difficult not to like Seth (normally, at least. I was a bit put off by him during Leah's pregnancy), I cannot fathom why Harry would only respond in such a way with his uncle (it's fairly common for a child to respond in a certain way more often with one person than with others, but this seems a greatly magnified case.)
"Pain, tearing, ripping through my head. The blackness, it had returned, exploding out of the recess it had dived so deeply into, but I had not roused it, and nothing seemed to have triggered it. ... The blackness was angry. I could almost feel the emotion that wasn’t my own raging away inside my head. The incoherent fury was fighting to be released, but not to escape my mind, but to return down into the depths of its cave in my brain. I didn’t understand. I wasn’t doing this, but the blackness wasn’t doing it of its own volition.
It was being forced. " and " Something was happening. The tendril was interacting with something just as Leah screamed. “Oh my God, no!”
She ran out of my field of view, but I could feel her hands grappling with whatever the blackness had a hold of. This had to stop. Carlisle was out of sight, too, and had taken the object from Leah, but even he was struggling to keep on to it. I tried to influence the blackness as I’d done so many times before, but I had no part in this, and neither did it, I sensed. I heard crying drawing closer. It sounded like Chloe. I then heard footsteps on the stairs and the office door swinging open. I heard Rosalie’s voice. “Oh my God, what’s going on?”" and then "“Why are you doing this? What’s the point of showing me any of this if you won’t really tell me anything?”
“The truth is here before you, and danger is nearing.”
I snarled and said, “Cut the bullshit. If there is danger coming, then help me. Get out of your fucking recess and help me protect Leah and my children.”
“You have not yet learned the value of what you now possess.”
“Are you bloody kidding me? My family’s lives are hanging in the balance, and you’re holding out on me over a nicety.”
“…You have not learned.”
I reached out and grabbed him by the arms, pulling him into the light. I shook him, pulling his face up to mine. I said, “You listen here, you bastard. I don’t care about your punishments, or your riddles, or the little huff you’ve been in the past few months. You better fucking help, or…”
In the blink of an eye, he was out of my hands and back where he had been. The expression of indifference was replaced by vehement rage as he stared me down. The shaft of light disappeared, even the faint luminance from before was gone. The cold fell upon me, and I was instantly on my knees. It was indescribably bitter, crushing me down as if the cold itself had weight. I felt my fingers and toes freeze and lock in place. My arms and legs stiffened but the cold kept pushing me downwards until, with a resounding snap, both my knees were torn as I was pressed onto my back. I felt the icy snow beneath me but could see none of it. My ribs and my arm bones began to fracture as my whole body froze solid, but I could still feel every single crack as it happened. Frost began to form all over me. My jaw hung open, the inside of my mouth and down into my chest freezing as my last breaths issued forth as billowing white clouds that dissipated into the blackness like everything else. I stopped breathing, but I was not dead, just numb, immobile, helpless. Fionn descended from above, his face staring into mine as he floated over my frozen body. He said, “You underestimate me, a primitive-minded entity? Animal-like?” [Wasn't it Edward that used that description, rather than Jason? The blackness seems to be focusing its fury on the wrong recipient on that particular issue.]
I tried to speak but nothing moved, not even my eyes. He continued, “You are the animal, the primitive one. You are that shaft of light, and I am all of this, this psyche of night, of dark. You can be snuffed out, extinguished whereas I exist always. Remember that before you presume to threaten me.”
The frost disappeared, my bones mended, my body loosened. I sat up as Fionn reeled away from me, screaming bloody murder. The blackness around me began to tear as light flooded in, and warmth swept away the bitter cold. Standing beside me was Chloe, but looking as she did in reality. Fionn continued to roar in defiance, but then Chloe simply pointed her finger at him and said, “Bad!”
The vision disintegrated and my eyes were open on the world again. I shot up into a sitting position to find Chloe sitting in my lap, looking at me expectantly. I just caught the dark hue fading out of her eyes to be replaced by her usual eye colour. I didn’t know how she had done it, but she had gotten me out of that absolute hell, so I picked her up and hugged her tightly." Okay, this is getting a bit freaky (like demonic, malicious entity freaky!). All I can say is, "Go Chloe!" lol
I was wondering from the moment the pain started in his head why Carlisle or one of the others didn't immediately call for Edward. Actually, even before that when Jason and Leah were so worried about Harry I was thinking that they would do better to go to Edward than Carlisle because Edward knows just as much as Carlise about hybrid vampires but he also has the added advantage of being able to hear what exactly is going on inside Harry's head. I would think that would be much more useful than whatever experiences Carlisle might have have for trying to determine the reason's behind such a young child's behavior (and I'm pretty sure any one who has ever parented a young child knows the fear a parent experiences when they are desperate to help their child but the child is too young to communicate what s/he needs). Edward would have been able to not only help them with Harry but to then "see" what was going on inside Jason's head during his episode. To me, that would be invaluable information for all concerned and would certainly be the easiest way to determine how to help him (though Chloe seemed to figure that out all by herself).
"“Are you watching Jane?”
“Yes, of course, why?”
“In the vision, I was told that a she was coming specifically.”" -- hmm... When I was reading the vision sequence, I had immediately thought "Sorcha" when he said "she was coming." I think it was the bit about the heat and fire not touching her.
Ha, again I am immediately thinking Sorcha: "“Aro’s plan, or lack thereof. He hasn’t made any firm decisions yet. He’s waiting.”
“Waiting for what?”
“For a signal, a call from someone he has recently acquired, the latest member of the Guard.”
“Anyone we know?”
“No" --- I did have one line of thought in regards to Alice not being able to identify the new member of the guard from her vision (or Edward, since he, too, sees what Alice sees as long as he is near enough to her): When Jason was telling all the Cullens about his past - his human life, his change, meeting Fiona and Dermot, his sister and Sorcha's changes, and then the battle with the Newborn/Immortal Children army with the final fight and flight involving the Volturri, Edward should have been getting all this directly through Jason's thoughts as well as his words. So, what I am wondering is this: assuming I am correct in believing the newest guard member will turn out to be Sorcha, shouldn't Edward have been able to match the face he sees in Alice's vision with the face of Jason's cousin from his memories? Fiona, too, I would think would be able to make this match because, while she cannot hear Alice's vision the way Edward can, I would certainly think she could catch them when she is seeing the "truth" of Alice (though, with that one I will allow that Fiona seems to have to intentionally apply her gift in order to get information about a person, so she could possibly be opting not to utilize it when it is not strictly necessary in order to preserve the privacy of the Cullens and such).
As I mentioned on a previous review, I am making comments and such as I go through the chapter because if I don't I'll completely forget most of what I wanted to say. Besides, I rather enjoy getting to "discuss" my thoughts on the story as I read it since I never have any reading buddies with whom I can do that. So some of my comments may be about something that is resolved further down the page of a chapter. I don't wish to remove them in those cases because I know how much I enjoy hearing people's feedback about my drawings (even while they are still works in progress) and so figure most authors would probably like to know some of the things their readers think or how they react while reading parts of the story (I figure saying, "great story" is about as useful to an author as "that's pretty" is to an artist. The compliments are great and all, but it is more helpful to receive specifics such as "Wow, when the blackness went all mental on Jason it was really freaking me out" or "I cried so much when I read this scene! It breaks my heart to see such a young life snuffed out when she had such a horrid life" or "The pace on this chapter was great! I stayed up all night reading because the action in this chapter was so intense, especially that scene where ..." etc. etc. etc. -- by the way, those examples are just examples I made up for the sake of explaning. They weren't meant to be actual comments about your stories even though I did get a bit freaked out by the blackness and bawl over [sister] Chloe's death. -- For an artist, it is more helpful to say something like "This is great! The way you did the shading on the fruit really made it come to life!" or "The perspective on this is quite interesting. It is so unusual to see a painting done from that angle" or even a negative but constructive comment such as "The balance seems off somehow. There is so much filling up the right side that the left feels bare." :) It is just so much more useful when I get details - even if it is a criticism! I hope you agree).
"Fiona held up my child, the first of the twins, and it was a girl. Not that I could see anything but her face, and I wasn’t paying any attention to Fiona if she had said it, but somehow, I could tell. She looked like me, my eye colour, hair colour, and her skin was as fair as freshly fallen snow only broken by the slight blush in her cheeks. I didn’t expect that. I thought with Leah’s colouring that she’d be darker." -- just a quick comment about something that was confusing me. It says in this segment that Chloe has Jason's hair and eye color, but elsewhere it says Jason has black hair (and had light blue eyes when he was human) yet Chloe is described as "all smiles and blonde ringlets and eyes that were the lightest blue" ???
One last comment on this chapter:
"“It was a trick, a diversion.”
“Sorcha, she was distracting us…from what they were really after.”
Carlisle tensed up, he had obviously guessed as had everyone, but he asked anyway, “What do you mean?”
“Bella, Renesmee, they came, they took them. The signal was them burning the cottage to the ground.”
So it was, Aro had hostages, and at noon on the equinox, he would be coming to claim the rest of his prize. " -- I kept thinking from the moment it was mentioned that Bella was not present (I had already scanned back up a short bit prior to that to see if she was listed in the names of those who had arrived as backup. When I didn't see it, though, I just assumed she was included in the grouping of the others who had arrived but who were not named...particularly since Edward, too, was not named) that that made no sense at all. Why would you leave your most powerful defensive weapon behind when your family was being attacked? Even the suggestion that she was left behind to guard Renesmee' didn't make sense to me because Jacob could do that at least as well and he was not nearly as vital to the defenses (or, better yet, why not have her there with everyone else so that no one is left behind underprotected? I was already thinking that before I got to the last couple chapters, but I see my thoughts made me a better military tactician than the Cullens here).
There is also the question of why Alice, especially with her boosted visions, did not see this plan. They had to have made the decision ahead of time or how would they know what signal to wait for? And once the decision was made (or with her improved visions, it could just be one of the possible decisions she would see) then it would be simple enough to be sure to keep everyone together. With Jasper being the great military mind that he is, I have having a difficult time understanding why he would not see this tactic. I know very little about warfare and certainly have no experience in it, yet I had seen the major flaw in the plan to leave some members behind for their protection. Unless you have an absolutely foolproof way of protecting all access to the ones being left behind, you are leaving them vulnerable by splitting up because your best weapons (usually) would be with the ones going off to fight. That leaves the homefront considerably underprotected. You'd think Edward would have learned something about this weakness with what happened with Victoria and Riley the day the Newborn Army attacked in Eclipse. Had Bella not used emotional blackmail to ensure she would be where Edward was during that fight, she would have been up there at that tent with just her and a very young Seth (granted, Victoria stumbled upon Bella because she happened to come across Edward's scent, but she could have just as likely accidentally stumbled up Bella herself). The lesson that should have been learned is the same.
Other than those last few paragraphs, I thought this was a great chapter. I know myself well enough to know my logical mind will fight against the illogic of the decision to leave Bella behind to protect Renesmee, so it shows me once again that it is better for me to leave my comments as I go rather than wait until I finish the chapter (otherwise, I would have forgotten it all at that moment...lol).
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 07, 2016 02:05 PM · On:
"Esme and Carlisle might have been all support, but there was no guarantee about the others. I was sure Emmett and Alice would have my back, but Edward and Bella, after everything they had been through with Renesmee, would undoubtedly be more critical of me and my recklessness. " -- I've only read that far yet, but on the flight from Ireland I kept thinking that Edward would likely be his best support and the one who could best comfort him because he had been there himself, self-condemnation and all. But apparently Jason expects the opposite.
"Esme and Carlisle got out first and walked slowly to the porch, escorting Dermot and Fiona. They all seemed to be making proper introductions, shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries." -- I had thought while reading Harvest Moon that is was a shame the Irish coven was keeping Fiona a secret because Carlisle and Fiona both would probably love having another vampire who has chosen to practice medicine with whom they could confer or possibly even ask to help out on a particularly difficult case where their vampiric abilities would be a huge asset. But, now that they are finally meeting, I'd love to be a fly on the wall of Carlisle's office (or wherever) when the two of them are finally able to sit down and "talk shop." :)
"Rosalie interjected, “Don’t baby him, Bella. He needs to realise that in a month’s time he may be a lone father, and that their recklessness is the reason why.”" -- I knew there was a reason I didn't like Rosalie. She wasn't saying this to Edward six years ago, but then she probably figured she and Emmett would end up parents if things went badly for Bella. Actually, I don't care much for the way any of the "kids" are handling this. None of them are taking into account Leah's supernatural physiology, and since all the Cullens have intercourse on a regular basis, they have no grounds what-so-ever to be preaching at Jason. Edward even stated what I had thought - condoms would not likely have worked for them due to the venom. Add to that that hormonal methods likely would not have worked with Leah's wolf genetics, and that rather limits their options short of sterilization and that, too, would likely be repaired by either of their bodies. So, are all these people who themselves have sex regularly thinking that Jason and Leah should have abstained indefinitely??? (I find hypocrasy particularly bothersome so have almost no tolerance for it...can you tell? lol)
"Edward sensed this and said, “Look, everyone, I think we’ve made our point. Jason may be young, but he doesn’t need any more lecturing from us. Let’s just give him some peace. He’s in for a hard enough time as it is.”
Rosalie turned to him in dismay before saying to me, “I guess he’s right. I suppose Leah dying before you for the next month will be reminder enough of your thoughtlessness.”" -- Ugh! Where's that dog bowl she made Jacob when I need it? Though, I think I'd need something more than just getting food in her hair to feel I had given her what she deserved...maybe holding her down and shaving her bald would suffice. What a witch!
"What is wrong with me? Why is this happening to me? I get one life taken away from me, I get a second chance, and I ruin it myself." -- This is where Edward's support is most needed! If he would just step down off that pedestal he seems to be looking down upon Jason from, he could be there with Jason, knowing what he was thinking (even if he wasn't a mind-reader), and tell Jason that he, too, thought he had done something that would destroy everything. He thought he had killed Bella by making love to her (even if it was going to take a month to happen) and that he, too, would die afterward. He believed their future was not just bleak, but nonexsistent. But in the end, what he received was a blessing he never could have expected. He became a father to an incredible child and had Bella at his side to share her with. Edward is the one who could best help Jason to see that his situation could also end up being a blessing and to not give up hope.
"this is not going to make you feel any better.”
“And being verbally beat into the dirt is? Like I said, only one thing will make me feel better, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t feel even worse, and all the comments and looks and walking on eggshells are going to do exactly that, so excuse me if at this moment I prefer the company of trees.”" -- Exactly! What is the point of all their condemnation? The deed is done! Now, get off your soap boxes and give him the support of family he so desperately needs right now.
"“You put them together to get back at me, didn’t you?”
“Ah, Rosalie, explanation please.”
“Emmett and his personality doppelganger, that Dermot fellow, you introduced them.”
After another shrill outburst, she replied, “Do you have any idea what I’ve been through for the past six hours? It’s inescapable! Emmett comes out with some infuriating quip only to have it reinforced by another by him, or worse, they repeat what each other say, or jinx each other! I think I’m losing my mind. It’s like you cloned him.”
“Why, Rosalie, dear, one wouldst have thought that the prospect of two Emmetts would positively exhilarate you.”" -- lmao!!! I can so get this because that is how it is with my husband and father-in-law. They not only look alike but have the same habits and twisted sense of humor. While I can handle it from my husband just fine, I can not take a double shot of it. People never seem to get that. I think this is one of the few times I can relate to Rosalie.
I especially enjoyed this chapter (well, except for the parts where I wanted to knock some sense into the characters...lol). It moved along quickly and was exciting to read due to the pace.
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 07, 2016 11:58 AM · On:
I'd have to go back and review the earlier chapters to be sure, but I could swear Jason admitted to Leah that he had killed human criminals that first day when Leah finally stopped fighting the imprint (the day of their moment). But then this chapter has Leah and Jason both acting like she never knew he had ever drank anything but animal blood. It is not a huge issue - I've seen such conflicting information even in professionally published books at times - but I thought I'd bring it up just in case I am remembering correctly. ;)
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 07, 2016 07:17 AM · On:
"I said to Jasper, “Seriously, man, how do you ever say no to her?”
“It’s simple, I don’t.”" --smart man. that Jasper!
"“Fiona, what is it? What did you see?”
“I saw your cousin, Jason. I saw Sorcha.”
“That’s not all. She wasn’t alone.”" -- Ah, I wondered where Sorcha scampered off to and when we'd see her again.
Btw, the syptoms of Leah's "illness" sound an awful lot like pregnancy symptoms. Since I'm reading this after having read the teaser for the third story, I have already deduced that she and Jason have children; however, what is confusing me is that they have not been intimate yet beyond kissing. I'm really hoping the blackness didn't somehow impregnate her because that is just a bit on the creepy side (like Rosemary's Baby or something), but my mind keeps recalling Edward's comment about the blackness being, in part, a separate entity.
I didn't make a comment about this last chapter because it was so much less frequent than the one before it, but the issue about text repeating is still occuring. It happened several times (at least) in this chapter. Here are a couple examples from near the end of the page, but they started way before this):
"“I sensed someone watching us while we were out, a vampire.I sensed someone watching us while we were out, a vampire.”"
"She held her nephews hand and closed her eyes. Her features often contorted, her eyes scrunched up even as she tried to focus on particular aspects, trying to clarify them as best she could. After minutes of silence, her eyes opened wide. She released Dermot
She held her nephews hand and closed her eyes. Her features often contorted, her eyes scrunched up even as she tried to focus on particular aspects, trying to clarify them as best she could. After minutes of silence, her eyes opened wide. She released Dermot’s hand. " When I am prepared for it, it is not so bad, but when I am not expecting it, it makes it rather confusing.
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 07, 2016 06:07 AM · On:
"It was just then that I noticed that Esme had included a pair of boxers with my dry clothes. The water had soaked all the way through, but I was hoping to just throw my dry clothes on over them and change again in the privacy of my room. I held them up. They were baggy, white, and chequered with winy-coloured lines. Emmett and Jasper had taken seats on the sofa. Emmett said, “Nice pants, man, clearly a mother’s choice.”
“Whatever, could you like turn the other way?”
“Come on, man, we’re all guys here.”
“All right, all right.”" -- In my head I couldn't help but alter Jason's reply to Emmett about them all being guys. Here is what my mind wanted to say instead:
"Whatever, could you like turn the other way?"
"Come on, man, we're all guys here."
"Yeah, so why are you so insistent upon watching? Does it do it for you to watch sixteen year old boys change their underwear?"
I think having Jason turn it around to make it sound as if Emmett (the man mated to the Venus Rosalie) was not only homosexual but into underage guys would be hilarious, especially with Jasper also there because you know he'd get a good laugh at Emmett's expense. It would be a great way of putting Emmett in his place. I imagine he'd be beet red if he had the ability to blush! (point for Jason) :D
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 06, 2016 11:13 PM · On:
"Just surround us in one of those bubbles you make.”
“How do you know about that?”
“Edward told us about it when he was describing your pleasant car trip to school.”
“How interesting, so he knows what I’m doing with the blackness, and I thought only I could perceive it.”" -- I meant to ask about this before... How is it Edward can "hear" through the blackness when Aro could not?
"“And I promise not to take the piss too much with it.”" -- Just wondering what that phrase meant??? It is not an expression used here in the US, so I am not at all familiar with it (it is also not likely something Emmett would use since he is from the hills of Tennessee). There have been a few other minor things where you have someone who was born and raised in the US using terms, expressions, or phrasing that we don't use here, though I do know from reading other books and such that they are used in England and presumably the whole of the UK and Ireland, though I wouldn't swear to such given I've never even visited (I've never been outside the US except for shorts jaunts into Canada and Mexico). For example, you had someone, Emmett again, I believe, calling someone, Jason most likely, a "git." I think you also had one of the American characters using the word "gobsmacked" which is another term not used here (when it is in the narrative, even with regards to characters other than Jason or Carlisle, I can dismiss that since the story is from Jason's POV). We also use "uh" or "um" normally to represent hesitant speech where I noticed in Hunter's Moon that you were using "am" (which was seriously confusing me until I finally figured out that it was a hesitant sound rather than a form of the word that can be am, was, or will be depending on the tense). I remember from reading the Harry Potter books as well as a few others that were written by authors from England that they usually use "er" to express hesitant speech. --- It is all very minor, of course, but I thought you might want to know should you ever write another story where your character is American. ;) (I've read a few fanfics on twilighted by authors who were trying to write out Jasper's speech phonetically. The Texan in me was screaming while I read those wanting to alter the text to a more accurate representation...lol. I do appreciate, though, when authors make the attempt to write out a character's speech phonetically to give us the feeling of "hearing" his/her accent - to a point. Too strongly done can make it difficult to understand for some languages/regions...like Highland Scots! :D Still, I just love seeing things like "Dinna fash. I dinna ken a thing yer saying." - note I left out "hinny?" I hate that one term of enderment).
"this is a unique event. A shapeshifter has never imprinted on a full-blood vampire before." -- I'm still reading this chapter (making notes as I go, so I don't have to skim back through for the quotes), but I soon as I read "full-blooded vampire" I was expecting Jason to immediately respond with something like, "Wait! Full-blooded??? As in there are half-blooded vampires???" (hehe, not only do they exist, bucko, but your living in the house of one, and very likely to father one or two.) :D
Ah, he finally got there: "“Hold up actually. Did you say Leah was the first shapeshifter to imprint on a, full blooded vampire?"ull-blood
“Well, what do you think would happen if you knocked up a human? The kid would be half vamp, of course.”
“So, what will Leah’s children be?”
“God only knows but don’t you think you’re getting ahead of yourself?”
“Well, you’ll have to get Leah to like you before she’ll procreate with you.”
“And on that note, this conversation is over.”" -- liked that last line.
"“Well, imprinting also has the function of choosing partners for the shapeshifters who’ll produce the strongest offspring and since Leah can have children and you’re not shooting blanks, well…you can figure out the rest yourself.”" -- I read a story here on twlighted by content1 where Carlisle and Edward (and maybe Renesmee if I remember) were speculating that the unusual amount of imprinting along with the particular people being chosen as imprints (most being decendants of Taha Aki, the first wolf) were creating a race of "Super Wolves," most likely to counteract the continued presence of a large number of vampires in their area. They were thinking that Jacob, not only a decendant of Taha Aki but also the only male in the chief/alpha line, imprinted on Renesmee', a gifted hybrid vampire, to created the strongest wolf (wolves) of all. I loved the scientific reasoning she used in her story, so when I read this part, I couldn't help but compare the thoughts. My first thought was that while I agree that having Leah imprint on a vampire would certainly create an incredibly powerful wolf, why would she not have imprinted on one of the many other non-mated vamps she encountered during the last portion of Breaking Dawn. But, going back to the thought of gifted vampires and the suggestion that vampiric gifts tend to be genetic (Alec & Jane, Aro and Didyme, Bella Renesmee' Edward, etc.), I could then understand why Jason would be a better choice for whatever it is that controls the imprinting because he is one powerful vampire (he was already fairly powerful as a human and is much more so now as a vampire, but once he has had time to learn, test, and possibly expand on his gifts - like most gifted vamps have done over time - he would be an uber strong vampire!). If he passed on those genes, his offspring would then be not only half vamps and half wolves, an already powerful combination, but they would also be powerfully gifted as well. If they ended up being venomous to boot ... well, let's just say I would not want to get on their bad side! --- Fun, fun, fun theorizing on where you're going with this!
I am wondering why you are making Edward such a complete and utter jerk in this story. Some authors, I've noticed, seem to favor other supporting characters over Edward and Bella and that doesn't bother me much, though a few have portrayed the two leading characters from the Twilight saga rather negatively (one author clearly did not like Bella at all and those feelings bled through to show in her writing). I had thought at first that perhaps it was just his protectiveness of Bella and Renesmee' but Jason has now met both and shown no problems or danger to either of them, so why is he still being so completely unwelcoming??? :(
Jacob, too, is being shown in a way that I have a hard time supporting. For example, he is clearing blaming Jason for Leah's troubles even though Jason actually did nothing to cause them besides save Leah's life! It is their wolfy genes causing the issues so blame Taha Aki if he must. And when he called Jason a "freak" I thought that was either incredibly mean or incredibly stupid given, as Alice states later, he is in a house full of freaks. (I'm just venting a bit. It is frustrating me because in the books, the only characters I just couldn't like much were Rosalie and Leah. Though I did feel some sympathy for them both, I did not feel the garbage life had thrown at them warranted the way the treated others as a result...especially since the ones receiving all their crap were not the ones to blame for their troubles. However, in this story, I can't say I am liking Edward or Jacob much at all, and that kinda sucks because I loved both of them in the books.) [Finshed chapter now, so I am a bit more appeased. Hopefully Edward and Jacob will mellow back into likeable characters. :) ]
Just to let you or whoever controls such thing here on twilighted know, this chapter is full of quite a lot of broken, repeated text. I'll scroll back up to find some so I can copy/paste it here to show you what I mean in case anyone wishes to correct it:
"I hadn’t caught on why he wanted to do this. I literally dragged the blackness out of its recess in my mind. I guess my anxiety was running really high, this task should have been simple. It was like pulling teeth to stretch it from wall to wall between Emmett and myself, making sure to fill in every nook and cranny. Holding it was harder. It was then Emmett asked, shouting unnecessarily loud, “Did you do it?Did you do it?”t caught on why he wanted to do this. I literally dragged the blackness out of its recess in my mind. I guess my anxiety was running really high, this task should have been simple. It was like pulling teeth to stretch it from wall to wall between Emmett and myself, making sure to fill in every nook and cranny. Holding it was harder. It was then Emmett asked, shouting unnecessarily loud,
And in this next passage it happens twice, though the fragments are not as long: "“Right, well, I’m supposed to be onboard with the whole m supposed to be onboard with the whole “keeping you in the dark about Leah” thing, but I don’t think she’s going to get around to explaining the whole deal to you anytime soon, so I think it’s my duty as your newly adopted brother to fill you in on all the facts.”s going to get around to explaining the whole deal to you anytime soon, so I think it
"“I guess so if you want. In public, I’m Carlisle’s long-lost nephew.”I guess so if you want. In public, I
“So you’re like my second cousin?”"
And this section has a different transcription issue (I can't tell if it is just part of a word that got chopped off, or if there was meant to be more to the sentence): "I realised then that Edward’s terror was not purely because of what he had sensed in my mind. I was deflecting the fire with a physical barrier now, but the sensory side of my ability had swept out on its own and was telling me that the forest was bone d I figured that the mind fire had burned so hot that the air temperature had been raised close to the boiling point of water."
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 06, 2016 01:39 AM · On:
“Okay, Edward will kill me if he finds out I told you, so this stays between us.”
“Edward has the ability to read people’s thoughts. It’s how we know so much about you.”
“I’ll be honest, I kinda feel a little violated. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Edward wanted to see how powerful your ability is; to see if you can detect his violations as you call them. In reality, though, I think he wants to keep you in the dark because he perceives his ability as his advantage over you.”
I was about to say something there, but considering who I was talking to, I held my tongue. I was sure Bella liked me, but I didn’t want to test her patience. I was curious as to what they’d learned. I asked, “So what have you found out about me?”
“Not as much as you think. Edward isn’t exactly around you all the time so what he’s gleaned is limited. He learned about your sister, Chloe, and some of the other vampires you’ve encountered. You have to understand though, Edward can only hear what you’re thinking in a given moment. We only know that much because you think of your sister so much, and of your friends.” -- then later he has a similar conversation with Alice and Emmett (about both sides keeping secrets because they love someone and are trying to protect them)... what got me was that none of the Cullens ever actually said that his wording for why he was not telling them about Fiona and Dermot was exactly why they were hiding Renesmee. I lost the quote I wanted to put here, but that is about the gist of it. (This isn't a complaint to you as an author... it is just a reader wanting to knock some sense into some characters.) ;)
One thing that did bother me though was when Jason ran from the house after his tantrum and supposedly lost Alice and Emmett in the river. I kept wondering how he could have lost Alice. I mean, she would have "seen" him hid in the river as well as where he would come out and where he would go (at least, she would as soon as he decided those things). So all the part about her and Emmett looking in the wrong places did add up to me. :/
One-nil to you.”
“Ugh! Please! I’ve lost track of my score at this point. It’s easier for you because you only have to remember nil.” --- that gave me a good laugh :)
and that accent just cracks me up. I think I might actually like you on some level.”
“What’s wrong with my accent? Have you never met an Irish person before?”
“No, as a matter of fact, we see a lot of rainbows in Forks but no leprechauns.” --- another good chuckle (point for Sam)
btw, I gave Isaac two thumbs up when he managed to double slam Joshua at First Beach about the cliff diving from the previous year (Joshua was already getting on my nerves as I am not a fan of attention seekers and really can't stand tattlers and gossips. If it is not hurting anyone, live and let live is my motto).
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 05, 2016 08:15 PM · On:
Excellent story thus far. I am a bit confused as to the whereabouts of Renesmee. I can't imagine that little girl would not be bursting at the seams to meet this new member of their family. I've been guessing that Edward was keeping her away, but there hasn't even been a mention of her or even Jason wondering about the strange smell (which would be all over that house by now).
I did think it was irresponsible of Carlisle not to have told Jason about the treaty lines immediately upon his joining the family. He's been there a month and could have accidentally cross it never knowing death (or potential death) awaited him on the other side.
Having the two boys who made the first move to befriend Jason in school be Angela's little brothers was a great idea! I love when these stories connect to the original books, especially in unexpected ways.
One last (admittedly unimportant) comment. While I've never lived in Forks, WA, I did live in Forest Grove and then Aloha, OR (both of which are small towns just west/northwest of Portland), so I have a fair idea of what the weather is like in the Pacific Northwest. While it does rain a lot, the rain tends to mostly be between October and June. July and August have almost no rain, and that continues into September though deminishes as you near the end of the month. Since school starts in either late August or very early September in almost all US schools, he would still be starting school during one of the dry/sunny periods. Now, don't get me wrong, it is not that there can't be unexpected rainfall or even storms, it is just not the norm. The rain also tends to be a drizzle, sometimes even just a heavy mist, rather than the heavier rain they showed in the movies (I had grown up in Texas before moving to Oregon, so I was used to occasional heavy rain accompanied by lightening, thunder, high winds, and the occasional hail, flood, or even tornado. It was rare, though, in the Pacific Northwest to get much lightning or thunder - something I missed at least as much as the sun while I lived there. The high winds described in this chapter are not a typical accompaniment to rain there. Tornadoes are almost non-existent and rather pitiful usually in that area as a result. The storm that was described in this chapter on the first day of school was much more like what I'd see in Texas - a part of "tornado alley" than anything I saw in my three years in Oregon). I don't mean to make a fuss about it because it is not a major issue, but I do like to make mention of it when I can because books, television, movies, etc. tend to portray the constant rain in the western parts of WA, OR, and northern CA as heavy with lightning and thunder when that is really just not seen often (Twilight being a prime example of a movie making the rain much heavier than usual).
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 05, 2016 06:55 AM · On:
Normally, only reading stories that are completed means I am not left wondering (or not for long, at least), but now I am seeing a downside... I've read the teasers for the next two stories in this series (though I won't be able to read the third since it is incomplete and not likely to ever be finished :( ), so I know Chloe can't be permanently dead - well, unless there is a new character by that name. Hmm... I assumed Jason ends up mated with Leah because I saw on the teaser for the third story that they must protect the children at all costs: Renesmee' Harry and Chloe. Obviously, I know who Renesmee' is and given Harry was Leah and Seth's father's name, I guessed that she and Jason must have had a son and named him Harry (the second story said something about an "unnatural union" so I had guessed it would be a vamp/wolf pairing). But I've assumed the Chloe named was Jason's sister. Now that the idea has popped into my head that perhaps, like the name Harry, Chloe was a name given to a new life to honor a lost loved one. ... sigh Now, I have to read faster. :D
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 05, 2016 05:51 AM · On:
"Then, a force like a flying ten-tonne rock striking my midsection bowled me over. The force of the impact had been strong enough to drive the air from my rigid lungs, but being winded didn’t particularly bother me beyond the loss of my sense of smell. I realised I was flat on my back with a significant weight pressing down upon me. As I tried to focus on my attacker, I saw a small body haloed by sunlight from a break in the cloud cover. His face was cherubic in appearance with puffy cheeks and a small mouth and nose. His dirty blonde hair, which was a little too long, fell in wavy strands that covered the majority of his forehead and his ears. He might have been the ideal child, angelic in looks, if it were not for the bulging red eyes that focused upon me with an enraged expression that did not belong on the face of one so young. I tried to struggle against him, but somehow, the small boy had me pinned, and I began to realise how strong the Immortal Children could be, how dangerously uncontrollable.
No wonder they were outlawed.
His small hands pressed down upon my throat. I heard the familiar splitting sound of cracking, stony flesh. He was trying to sever my head, and he was succeeding. The slow, arduous decapitation was making it difficult to control the rest of my body and so, my resistance waned. I sensed the approach of other vampires. I thought that this was it. If they piled upon me, I would be ripped limb from limb and smashed to pieces. Even if my body could reassemble, the others, if they even won the battle, would be forced to burn all the remains before the Volutri arrived. As the boy’s hands sunk deeper into my flesh, and the others approached, I closed my eyes and began to accept my total failure. Fear gripped me, for Chloe’s safety, and so, the blackness was drowned out by a flight response that I couldn’t react to. Then, in a second, the pressure lifted. I could feel my airways reopening. I swivelled and saw Fiona swinging the child off my body and into a high arc away from us. Liam then appeared from nowhere and leapt to intercept him.
I did not watch the destruction of Chloe’s first victim." -- I am justing using this one section to quote because it is one where I knew the exact age of the vampires in question. What is bothering me is the idea that Jason would have difficulty physically overcoming a four year old. Even though he is a newborn and therefore as newborn strength, so is/does Jason. If I did my math correctly, Jason is about two weeks (on average) older than Chloe, Sorcha, and the newborn army including the Immortal Children. So, his strength should still be as strong as theirs (what's two weeks time when compared to the whole year it takes for the newborn strength to wane?). Therefore, shouldn't Jason be as much stronger than this four year old boy as he would be if they were both human? A human 16 year old boy would certainly have no difficulty pulling a human 4 year old boy off him even if he was knocked to the ground first. I thought the same thing in situations where there was a newborn female against Jason.
It was a great chapter without a doubt. I just wanted to bring up this one thing that stuck out to me as not quite logical.
Reviewer: RebeccaJ1973 (Signed)
May 05, 2016 12:25 AM · On:
"I think Dermot will return soon with Isolde, too.”
Isolde was Dermot’s mate from Wales. Dermot had gone up north to meet her. Apparently, the strong storms rolling up from the south had thrown her off course a bit whilst she swam across the Irish Sea. Meaning to come ashore just south of Dublin, she’d actually ended up nearer to Dundalk in County Louth. Suffice it to say that she didn’t know Ireland very well and had neglected to look at a map before leaving. Dermot had instructed her to stay put in the countryside outside of town and that he’d meet her there. Assuming he found her straight away, he should have only needed half an hour to get there and back. He’d been gone for several hours. No one dwelled too hard on what they were up to for the sake of their own mental wellbeing.
Still, just to lighten the mood, I asked, “Are you sure? They seem to be getting awfully side-tracked.”
Fiona grimaced and said, “Please, don’t. It’s hard enough to withstand the innuendos that Siobhan’s coming out with.”
“Ugh! I am hurt that you could think I would suggest something so vulgar. And I thought you thought more of me. I think I’ll just crawl into bed and sob off this attack upon my character.” I heard sniggering from the living room. I think I even heard Liam give a short giggle.
Fiona’s nostrils flared and she said, “Don’t encourage them, Jason.”
“Oh the hurt, the horror, the betrayal.” More sniggers from down the hall, but no one dared turn and look.
“Okay, Jason, do you want me to hurt you ‘cause seriously, I am on the edge right now?”
“Let me think about that. Will I enjoy it?”
Fiona scowled and gave me an almighty slap across the back of my head as unmitigated laughter erupted from the living room. Fiona shouted at me as I disappeared inside the room. “You…you! Ugh! Get yourself ready and get out here in five minutes or else I’m coming in there.”
I replied, “Don’t worry, Fiona. I’ll be ready and waiting.”
She was about to explode at me once more when Siobhan shouted to me, “Hey Jason, was it as good as you hoped?”
I answered, “Meh, I’ve had better spanks.”
The laughter was uproarious. Fiona simply shouted at the ceiling and ran passed everyone into the kitchen, slamming the door behind her." -- this scene was a total crack-up. Nice to see a bit of the lighter side mixed in with all the heavy emotional drama. ;)
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