I Did It For You

(EPOV)

I’ve never been in more pain than I am in this moment. I’ve never felt such an intense pressure in my chest. The pain from the change was nothing compared to this. I would gladly take the fire of venom over this intense crushing pressure in a second.

But I have to do this. I can’t continue. I can’t let Bella stay with me knowing that every second we’re together she is a second away from an excruciating death. Furthermore, I cannot let my love for Bella hurt my family.

I know what Esme would say. She would say that she’s never seen me happier than I am with Bella.

I know what Carlisle would say. He would say she’s a part of our family now that we’re together.

I know what Emmett would say. He would say she’s hilarious and we have to keep her around for humour's sake.

Okay—Emmett’s response is almost enough to put a smile on my face. Almost.

I know what Alice would say. She would say that she can see how things will work out, and can warn in advance. Of course, she’d be wrong, because she didn’t see the last incident happening.

I know what Jasper would say. He would say to keep Bella and let him leave. I can’t let him do that. He’s my brother. He is not replaceable.

I know what Rose would say. Rose would say that it’s about time I realized the foolishness of my choice to have Bella in my life. She would say that I should have let her go a long time ago. She would say I’ve been selfishly endangering the whole family by allowing her to continuously be exposed to our way of life.

Rose would be right.

Bella doesn’t understand. She never has. She has this illusion of safety whenever I’m with her. As though she’s floating in an ocean and I’m her life vest. She’s misguided at best, and suicidal at worst.

Why she chooses to surround herself with vampires, I’ll never understand. If given the choice, I would gladly be human again, completely unaware to this part of the world. Myths are meant to be myths. The truths in the world can shatter anyone’s illusions of safety.

Of course, I’ve told her this. I’ve told her a million times that she isn’t safe with me. I’ve tried to scare her, push her away, but her drive and desire to be with me just pulls us closer the harder I try.

I have been selfish though. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be having this internal dialogue. I wouldn’t be standing here in the forest with my love, about to rip her heart out. I shouldn’t have told her I’d stay with her. That was wrong. That was selfish. Now I have to go back on my promise, and it hurts me more than I can possibly describe.

It’s almost like she knew that I would be easy to convince. Like she knew that a few tears and stuttered sobs and pleas would be enough to make me stay with her.

She was right. Of course she was right. I’m a weak, soulless creature. I naturally prey on the appearance of weakness in my victims. Poor Bella is just my latest victim, only the fate I’ve brought upon her is far worse than the fate of any mountain lion I seek. Their deaths are quick and painless. They fight for a moment, and then the moment is over, and they don’t recognize what has happened until it’s too late.

Bella… she will be left to suffer with my abandonment. I can only hope that by telling her the most hideous lie I’ve ever concocted, it will be enough to push her quickly to recovery. I hope.

I begin my spiel. I begin my lie. The look in her eye is almost enough to make me reconsider and just beg her to forgive me for even the thought of leaving. But I can’t. I have to do this. I have no choice. With me, she’ll never be safe.

So I continue. I continue and every word I speak makes me want to wretch. The lies spin so viciously that I barely notice as the words leave my mouth.

“Bella, I don’t want you to come with me.”  I don’t want her? How did I say it? How is my face still not betraying the depth of emotions that I’m feeling?

She looks as though I’ve gutted her. My immediate response is to take her into my arms and tell her that it was a lie.

My secondary response is pain. She believes me. After all of this time, how can she possibly believe me?

That hurts more than anything else.

’This is the right thing to do’, ‘This is the right thing to do’. My mantra doesn’t ease the pain.

Suddenly I’m overtaken by fear. She looks heartbroken. She is. But I realize in this moment that I’m not really sure how she’ll handle her heartbreak. I pray to whatever God there may be that I haven’t just damned her to life of misery and self-inflicted pain.

I ask her to do me a favour. As if I have any right whatsoever to ask anything of her. She says “Anything,” as though I haven’t just cruelly damaged her.

“Don’t do anything reckless or stupid,” I ask. I beg. “Do you understand what I’m saying?” I hope my eyes don’t betray me by showing my pain, but she nods her agreement. I take an unnecessary breath and try to regain my composure before I lose it entirely.

With that promise, maybe I can actually convince myself to leave.

Eventually I find the strength to turn and leave. I can’t look back at her. I can’t look at the destruction. Instead, I run as hard and as fast I can, desperate to get as far away from Bella as I possibly can.

Desperate.

As soon as I get home, I can tell that my wishes have been followed by the family. Much of the house has already been packed into the cars, and only a few stragglers are left. Esme and Carlisle. Both of them are visibly upset by my choice, but I can hear in their thoughts that there is no animosity—just sadness for the loss.

They love Bella too. Esme, because she’s taken me from my shell and has shown me what love is. Carlisle, because she’s exactly the kind of girl he would have wanted for a daughter, and is sad to see her go.

Both, because they don’t want to see me unhappy for the rest of eternity.

I know I can’t go with them. I can’t hurt my family the way I’ve hurt Bella. I have to go far away so I can’t cause anyone any more pain.

I stay behind at the house for a while. It’s empty, quiet. The whole family is gone, and it’s just me and my Volvo left, with a small bag of clothes. I haven’t totally decided where I’m going, but knowing my family is headed North, I’m fairly sure it’ll be in a southerly direction.

I slump into a corner like a scolded child, curling in on myself and allowing myself a moment of pity and shame. I feel as though I’ve earned that much.

All I can see is the pain on Bella’s face when I close my eyes. She hadn’t begged me to stay. She hadn’t said one thing to make a case for herself. She had just blindly accepted that I no longer am in love with her and allowed me to leave.

I can’t believe it was that easy for her to accept.

Finally, after I had watched the sun go up and down three times, I pulled myself out of the corner and into my car, taking off for God knows where. It doesn’t matter. Anywhere but here.

End