Firsts. I scoffed as I stepped out of my Silver Volvo. After all this time, I still couldn’t bring myself to part with it. First days. First impressions… They’re all the same. Except… I stopped myself before I said her name. My first singer. My first love. A small smile pulled at the corners of my lips – another first in such a long time. My first and only.
I reached the door of the building. I sighed, mentally preparing. Then, my fingers tightened around the handle, and my arm retracted – pulling the door open. All very mechanical. This way, maybe the blow wouldn’t be as sharp. This way, maybe I could dull everything.
That was the problem with being a centenarian, I supposed. Eventually, all firsts became seconds. All seconds became thirds…
Eventually, only apathy remained …
I sighed again and took that first step.
That first step was all it took. The blow was worse than expected. But then again, the first was always the worst, I supposed. Another first…
No amount of time could have prepared me for the onslaught of thoughts that assailed my mind at that moment. A few were clearer than the rest.
Did I lock the door before I left? Oh! Stan would kill me if we got robbed again…
And now I have to tell Mrs. Anderson that she’s dying. Great…
I hope I get to scrub in today… Yang’s had me in the pit all week… What have I ever done to her!? Maybe I could report her…
Going on twenty-two hours here… If I don’t get some caffeine, I’m gonna pass out at the operating table, scalpel in hand…
I tried to silence the voices in my head. I was able to hush the shouts to a loud whisper. Most people who hear ‘voices’ arrive as patients. And here I am: their doctor. In any other situation, the irony would have entertained me greatly. But now, I needed all the strength I could muster to keep my hands at my sides, unclenched. How I wanted to cover my ears… My fingers actually itched at the thought. Not that it would have done any good…
I steeled my back and walked into the source of the cacophony inside my head. Surely, a sane man would have run in the other direction… But, surely, I am no sane man. What sane man would be willing to look temptation in the eye every day? To stare into the pool of life, dying from thirst, but know that he can never taste… No, surely one such man could only be described as a…
Masochist. I almost smiled through my pain. It was my personal epithet. Once, however, she had called me that. She never knew how right she was; she would never know… She couldn’t…
It’ll be as if I never existed… My own words rang loudly inside my head, above the din. At least she’s safe now. I tried to reassure myself. At least you can’t hurt her now…
The atmosphere of the thoughts clouding my mind drastically changed. Thoughts most certainly not my own. I had not anticipated this; I could not stifle them in time. They breached the dam I had fought to build.
That’s him!? All of this over him!? He’s merely a boy! I thought he would have been more…
Don’t look at him. Don’t look at him! You’re with Derek now! You love Derek! You can’t go around fanaticizing…
He’s too young for you… Too young! Too… If only she knew…
Hahn’s still not teaching me! Arg! Ooh… That’s the new guy…? I hear he’s good with cardiothoracics… Another Cardio God…Maybe he’ll take me under his wing…It’s been a while since Burke…
Ooh… look at that! I’d like to…I quickly tried to divert my mind away from that thought…
My mind failed to shield itself from this mental rape. In my proverbial hoard of armaments, I was supplied with all the necessary tools to lure my prey. And they worked. A little too well…
The hunter becomes the hunted…
Quickly, I crossed the lobby, going to great lengths to maintain the human façade. I approached a door marked “Richard Webber; Chief of Surgery.” Inhaling deeply, I grasped the doorknob and stepped inside.
“Aah… Dr. Masen… We meet at last…”
Closing the door behind me, I approached him and extended my hand. His brown skin was darkest around the eyes—a symptom of sleep deprivation. Something with which I was painfully familiar.
I nodded. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Sir. Thank you for offering me this opportunity to work and learn at this prestigious hospital.”
Webber gestured to the chair to my left. “Well, thank you for joining our little family!” Our little family of sex addicts. He chuckled quietly and then poorly disguised it with a cough. “You’ll find our…”
I let my mind wander from this pointless prattle. How easy it was to fool this human; I had but to nod my head, and he easily believed my authenticity. So effortlessly, I fooled them all. One medical break-through and they called me a superhero.
They’d never guess that I was actually the bad guy. How true that was. Not even she had believed. She who knew me best. I had wanted to believe in her hope, to believe that I could be good – that I was good. To repudiate what I felt. What I knew in my heart. But I could live that lie no longer. That’s why I’d had to leave. To protect her. It was the only way.
Yet, here I was: living another lie. But this time, it was for her. Always for her.
“…Well, I’ll let you go now.” Webber stood, extending his arm.
I mirrored his actions. “Thank you again, Dr. Webber.” I turned to leave.
“Just ask for Dr. Bailey at the nurse’s station. She’ll show around,” he added as I reached the door. I nodded and stepped into the awaiting pandemonium.
On with the firsts…
