Heaven and Hell

The plaza filled with people, their thoughts and voices a dull hum in the back of my mind.  No one approached me as I huddled alone in the dark shade next to the clock tower.  The humans ignored me; the vampires watched and waited.

But I wasn’t alone.

Grief.    Regret.  Anguish.  Profound guilt.  I had plenty of company.

“Don’t,” Bella whispered.  In my dark thoughts, she was a shining beacon, illuminating all my flaws.  She scowled.  “It’s not your fault.”

Yes, it was.  My mental echo of Bella may not believe it, but I knew the truth.  I wondered what she felt in those last moments…if she cursed me for trampling her heart before she jumped to her oblivion.

“No, forget it,” she said.  She closed her eyes and turned away. “I’m feeling extremely insignificant.”

“You’re right.”  I’d ignored the gift of her memory too long.  With so little time left, I would allow myself one last selfish indulgence. 

I raised my eyes from my knees and looked across the plaza at the reflection of the clock in one of the windows.  Like Bella, I chose the time of my death myself.  At high noon I would stride into the sun in front of hundreds of humans, demonstrating the horrific beauty of my kind.  Moments after that, the condemnation would come, and I would welcome the fire.  My ashes would be swept away; worthless debris before a cleansing wind.

Only a minute or two remained in my time on this planet.  The sun shone brightly, the instrument that would be my end.  I rose and walked to the entrance of the alley.  A few feet from the end I stopped, looking down at the junction of day and night at my feet.  How ironic that to end it all I would have to cross this shadow line, stepping from darkness into light.  It was the extinguishing of Bella’s light that drove me here at all.

“She’s dead, Edward,” Rosalie’s voice repeated, and I heard an overtone of regret.

I blinked and Bella frowned in that instant. “What is it that upsets her?”

“Not even she wanted you to die, my love,” I whispered, wishing I could touch her just one more time, but she was gone.  Despite all my efforts…

“You’re doing it again,” she chided.

The hands of the clock clicked off another minute, one more to go.    No one would be hurt except me – the best end I could hope for.  I silently apologized to Alice again, wishing she didn’t have to see the violence, wishing she would know the peace I hoped to find in the end. 

With that thought, I slowly unbuttoned my shirt.

The first witnesses to my inhuman nature would be a small family who stopped right in front of me. As the seconds counted down, I regarded the group.  Two parents, two children, a perfect balance; just like my own family.  My brothers and sisters, my mother and father, would all mourn me, and I swallowed another guilty lump for causing them such grief.  But, like the couple in front of me, they were complete.  Three perfect pairs; they had each other for comfort.  I understood that their love for each other would overcome any pain or sorrow they’d feel over me, and now they would no longer worry about me – the odd man out.  This was best for them as well.

I only wished I could thank Carlisle for giving me this life.  He’d never stopped questioning himself about me, and as I stood in the twilight of my…life…I could see that he had bestowed on me the greatest gift.  Because of him I’d met Bella and experienced heaven, even if it was only for a moment.  That was worth everything, and I wished he would know that.

My shirt fell to my feet as I heard the hands of the clock shift again and the first chime ring out.  It was only two steps to the sun – to the end – and I closed my eyes to see Bella clearly for these last seconds.  The last goodbye.

I sorted through the memories, choosing which ones would take me down this final path.  The first was one of the most recent: we were watching Romeo and Juliet with my arms wrapped around her.  I smiled as I remembered how she reacted when I whispered the words in her ear.  Her tears mourned the loss of true love and had unfortunately proved prophetic.  Romeo’s story was mine, the only difference that my Juliet had succeeded where his had not.  The clock tolled again.

The scene in my mind changed, and Bella sat on the leafy ground in front of me, her skin even more pale than usual.  Her head dangled between her knees, her hair falling to the side, exposing her delicate neck.  Her pulse was visible through her skin, pounding out a frantic rhythm as she fought off her queasiness. 

“Show-off,” she murmured, then she opened her eyes.  Her lips, just inches from mine, parted slightly.  The invitation I’d been contemplating as I’d carried her though the forest crossed my lips.

I remembered how soft her skin was as I cradled her face between my hands – and how rude I was, not really asking permission to kiss her. 

Bella’s eyes widened, showing me everything I couldn’t hear in her thoughts.  I searched her depths to find fear, disgust, or even anger.  What I saw was trust and love – the same love we’d declared in the meadow.  She trembled in my fingers, and the fire in my throat raged even now.  Another deep chime sounded.

I’d moved so slowly, pausing before bringing my lips to hers.  Her expression didn’t change as I steeled myself.  I had to be sure, to guarantee my bloodlust was securely contained and that I could run if I lost control.  I can do this, I told myself.

  With the gentlest of touches I brought my lips to hers.  The flames raced from my throat to my skin, accompanied by the ever present electric current she incited, magnified a thousand times. Until that moment I’d thought that the infernal thirst was the greatest desire that I would ever feel. 

I was wrong.  When her body answered mine, thirst was the last thing on my mind.  She sucked in a breath, weaving her fingers into my hair, her heart flying.  Her warmth surrounded me like a cocoon, wrapping my cold, hard chest in her delicate butterfly’s embrace.  When her lips opened, encouraging me to taste her, the burn in my throat flared, testing my control.  The thirst wasn’t the only thing tempting me…her soft tongue was so close to mine.  If I opened my lips…

It was the clock that freed me this time, reminding me that I’d never know.

Bella never flinched away from my lips, or my hands.  She should have been repelled by my hard, icy skin, but, like everything else, her reactions were backwards.  When I could feel her skin temperature drop, I’d pull away, not wanting to chill her.  She’d only cling to me tighter, refusing to take her own welfare into consideration.

I remembered how she would stroke my hair and my face, her touch lighter than a feather’s.  Even in her fingertips I could feel the heat she radiated from within her willowy frame.  She was the embodiment of life, the opposite of everything I was.  How she could find me anything but repulsive would forever remain a mystery. 

The tolling bells were lost behind her voice.

“I love you, Edward,” she whispered.  So many times she’d said it, sometimes quietly, sometimes laughingly, always fiercely… and yet every time the words filled me with a serenity that was indescribable.  I listened to her laugh, how it, too, was warm and rich, so…human.  The sound of her breathing, her heartbeat, filled my mental ears, together giving me little clues into her thoughts when her words didn’t. 

I never did find a way to read her thoughts, but her smirks, her grimaces, her blushes, told me nearly enough that it didn’t matter.  Bella’s lovely, expressive face mirrored her musings constantly, reacting to every word or touch.  Her eyes were such a rich brown, so deep.  When she smiled, her eyes twinkled and sparkled as brown eyes never had before, and when she looked at me her gaze enveloped me with her love, pulling me to her like a magnet…and she thought that I dazzled her. The clock continued its relentless count – only a few chimes left.

The breeze kicked up around me, bringing with it the smells of the crowd around me.  Mixed in with the sweet blood, the musty cotton, and foul food was a breath of freesia.  I drew in a deep breath, losing myself in the memories.  It seemed much easier now, so close to the end, to pretend Bella was close.

The lavender came freely on the wind, along with the sweet, mouthwatering flavor of her blood.  From the grave she called to me, exactly my brand of heroin.  I allowed the memory of her taste to fill me.  For though it was the monster in me that desired that part of her, Bella’s blood was what drew me to her in the first place.  Would I have bothered to know her at all, had she not called to that vicious part of me?

The sound of the clock briefly interfered with my reverie. 

“Edward,” she called faintly.  She sounded…impatient?  What could she be waiting for?  An impossible answer flashed through my mind.  No. She couldn’t be waiting for me.

For a brief moment I considered my life before Bella, but there was nothing that could compare to how she’d affected me in those few short months.  Everything else was meaningless, as was a future without her.  Only my time with her mattered – only during that time did I truly live. 

“I love you, Edward,” she said again in my memory, “I will always love you.”

She died without learning the truth: that I did love her, that I’d never stopped loving her.

“I thought you couldn’t read my mind,” she said.

As another chime beckoned me toward the end, I remembered Carlisle’s words on her birthday, the last day I saw my Bella smile with my own eyes.  “How could there not be more for one such as Edward,” he’d told her.  My mind drifted again, and I imagined that he could be right – that somehow, some way, Bella would be the one to greet me in whatever came after this… life. 

I heard her again, calling me. “Edward…”  Her voice, though quiet, was different; it was as if she was here with me, beseeching me.  Her smell engulfed me, but it was more intense, like she’d been walking in the rain.  I could see her in my mind’s eye, holding her arms out to me, welcoming me.  If only I could walk into my memory and stay there.  I took a step closer to the end as the clock bellowed another chime.

“Edward, look at me!” Bella commanded, louder this time. The sound was so real that I couldn’t stifle my smile.  I expected her to continue and tell me she was ordinary, just like she had that day in the cafeteria, but she didn’t.  “I’m not saying goodbye,” she countered instead, but her voice had changed, faded somehow. 

 I took my last breath, listening for her to call me again, to pull me into my daydreams.  What greeted me was the slap of shoes on the cobblestones, a rasping pant, and a pounding heartbeat.  I let myself pretend it could be her.  While I knew the fantasy would be fleeting, I couldn’t fight the growing hope, the completely irrational longing that she was close, that we’d be together.

“Feeling better?” she asked, but the memory seemed flat, artificial, compared to the thundering pulse that seemed to be getting closer.  One more step, and I would find out if she really was there, waiting, or if there would be nothing.  Before I could complete the stride, something soft fell against me.

Automatically my arms wrapped around…her?  The fragrance that I’d imagined rushed over me like an avalanche, burying me, and I felt her warmth billow around me like a dense fog.  Could it really be her?  No, my mind must be playing tricks.  I slowly opened my eyes to see who I held as the chimes sounded again. 

Bella was in my arms!

I gaped at her, my angel, trying to believe she was real.  Bathed in a white glow, the sparks of red that ignited in her hair gave her an unearthly beauty. For so many months I’d heard her remembered words, imagined her perfect face, all in my mind…but this was different.  She wasn’t an ethereal spirit – her soft hands pressed against my cold chest, as if she was trying to restart my heart.  I lost myself in her wide eyes as I tried to understand how I could have found this paradise. 

“Amazing, Carlisle was right,” I murmured in shock.  There was a heaven after all, and by some miracle, I’d managed to find it. 

No, she’d brought it down to me.

I still couldn’t believe it – I couldn’t have earned such a reward – but I wasn’t about to turn her away.  The abyss in my chest disappeared under her gentle fingers; the heat of her touch instantly mended all my wounds.  It was as if we’d never parted.  The pain, the guilt, the loneliness all disappeared.  Could it be possible?  Would we be together, forever, just as she promised?

As I looked at my love, her lips moved.  “Edward,” she barely breathed, and the word coursed through me carrying a happiness so intense that it was nearly painful.  She mouthed something else, but no sound came out.

I smiled – after hearing her voice for all this time, now she was unable to speak.  Maybe she was just a more substantial delusion, a creation of my mind.  I didn’t care, I couldn’t have asked for a better way to die.

Tentatively I stroked her cheek and was rewarded with the tingling and slight blush I’d longed for these past terrible months.  The look on her face was one of concern, and as the clock tolled  I wondered if her time with me would be short.  It didn’t matter – even this one second was more heaven than I deserved.

She took a deep breath against me and her face softened, but the concern remained.  Could she still be worried about me?

“I can’t believe how quick it was.  I didn’t feel a thing – they’re very good,” I assured her.  If it were possible, she felt more fragile than I remembered; death – or my failing memory – had thinned her frail body.  Her dark-ringed eyes were sunken behind protruding cheek bones and her strong chin had sharpened.  The feminine heart shape of her face had been hardened, as if she’d lost ten pounds.  She was older, I reminded myself.  And yet, she was still Bella…my Bella.

 I closed my eyes briefly and kissed her silky hair. Romeo’s words fell from my lips, capturing my astonishment and awe.  “Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, that had no power yet upon thy beauty.” 

The clock gave up its final chime, reminding me of the earth I’d once walked. The ringing pulled on a warning string in my mind; surely my dead ears must be playing tricks on me.  I let my other, more trustworthy senses take over.

“You smell just exactly the same as always,” I said and took another quick breath, feeling the flames scorch my throat like a blow torch.  The sensation surprised me; I would have expected the thirst to be quenched in heaven.  “So maybe this is hell.  I don’t care.  I’ll take it.”  I looked down at Bella, never wanting to leave her ever again, whether she was an angel or merely a tempting construction of my past.

Bella spoke urgently, “I’m not dead, and neither are you!  Please Edward, we have to move. They can’t be far away!”  She squirmed in my arms and looked up at me with panic in her eyes.

Her words were…new.  For the past months I’d heard her repeat nearly every syllable she’d ever uttered in my presence, but I’d never heard this phrase before.  Confused, I needed to hear her speak again. 

“What was that?”  This time I listened carefully, reveling in the rhythmic pounding of Bella’s heart.

She pushed against me, her hands a soft contrast to her sharp cry. “We’re not dead, not yet!”

The world came to a screeching halt as my heaven crashed back to earth.  She’s alive?

The glow around Bella’s face faded, and I could see the outline of the cobblestones behind her, reflecting the sun’s rays toward us.  The wind swirled her hair and her scent around me.  Slowly I registered the murmur of the crowd, and caught my breath as the truth freed my mind.

She’s ALIVE!

For a handful of milliseconds I rode the waves of euphoria – not only had I not lost her, she’d found me!  After the constant battle to stay away, she’d come after me.  And I knew I’d never leave her unprotected, ever again.

When time returned to its normal pace, the joy vanished, swept up in a maelstrom of emotions that nearly ripped my sanity away.  She’s alive, and needs more protection than ever before…BECAUSE she came after me!

 “Is he in the light?” an immortal voice whispered.  Who is the girl?

What have I done?! Horror, mixed with guilt, fear, and anger, ate its way through me like acid.

Bella continued speaking, unaware of my excruciating revelation. “But we have to get out of here before the Voturi–”

Before she could finish her sentence, I’d spun her against the stone wall and set myself as a shield between her and the approaching vampires. The storm within began to coalesce into a single, seething beast.  Not her!

Felix and Demetri stopped in the deep shadow and regarded my protective stance carefully.

She’s human, Demetri thought, surprised not by Bella’s presence but by her heartbeat.

I fought to control my baser instincts, facing for the first time in my life, the conundrum of the victim:  fight or flight.  The light that had been my accomplice now became my jailer…but not Bella’s. 

The ghost disappeared. “Mamma,” the little girl in the plaza said, tugging on her mother’s sleeve.  Oh, there he is!

Could this child be heralding Bella’s escape? 

Impatient for the girl’s mother to notice us, I had to force myself to speak calmly. “Greetings, gentlemen.  I don’t think I’ll be requiring your services today.  I would appreciate it very much, however, if you would send my thanks to your masters.”

Felix was the first to answer. “Shall we take this conversation to a more appropriate venue?” I’ll give you what you want, he thought, baring his teeth in a wicked grin.  He’d hoped for a reaction for Bella, but she only tightened her grip on my belt loops.

Finally the human took notice of her child.  “Che cos'è?” she said. Her eyes followed the child’s outstretched hand toward me.  They widened, seeing me shirtless and defensive.  She saw Bella’s frightened face, but couldn’t see what I was protecting her from.

 “I don’t believe that will be necessary,” I said sternly, measuring the distance to the end of the alley.  If I could get her into the plaza, she could leave with the crowd. “I know your instructions, Felix.  I haven’t broken any rules.” 

Aro’s voice echoed in Felix’s head.  “Bring him back if he tries to make a spectacle of himself. I want him alive.” Felix added his own interpretation: Harboring a human is quite spectacular, I think. 

Back off Felix, if we’re exposed, we’ll share his fate, Demetri thought.  “Felix merely meant to point out the proximity of the sun.  Let us seek better cover.” We only want to talk, Edward.  The wind blew his cloak open slightly, proving they were wary of the light as well.

“I’ll be right behind you.  Bella, why don’t you go back to the square and enjoy the festival?”

Demetri considered letting her go, but remembered Aro’s other warning.  If others arrive, bring them to me.

Aro was expecting someone to stop me?  No, no, NO!

“No, bring the girl.” Felix sneered.  She smells delicious.

Fury’s red haze distorted my vision. “I don’t think so.” I enunciated every word, barely containing my rage as Felix imagined his lips on Bella’s neck.  You’ll never lay a finger on her, I mouthed.  I’d remove his fingers first, given the chance, before removing his head.

Bella’s breath was hot on my bare back.  “No,” she squeaked, her hand landing on my shoulder like sigh.

I didn’t take my eyes off the guards when I unceremoniously shushed her.  A stab of guilt only fed my temper – and I had plenty of anger to go around.  Topping the list was Rosalie.  If she’d left me alone like I’d asked, I’d be in Forks right now, on my knees begging for Bella’s forgiveness.  And then there was that nameless voice on the phone with his callous “He’s at the funeral.”   Changing a single word would have altered so many lives.

The pettiness of that thought led to the true core of my anger, me.  I was at fault; and the hatred meant for others easily got reflected back on myself – I should have confirmed Bella’s death…no…I should have been there to protect her in the first place.

Demetri looked at his companion, frustrated at his eagerness for violence. “Felix, not here.”  When the larger vampire relaxed, Demetri turned back to me.  “Aro would simply like to speak with you again, if you have decided not to force our hand after all.”

My empty stomach heaved at the thought of Bella facing the ancient and his minions. “Certainly, but the girl goes free.”

He’s talking to someone in the shadows, the woman in the plaza realized as she watched me, and squinted in Felix’s direction.  

Demetri leveled his stare at Bella.  He noted her fingers clinging to my shoulder, unaffected the cold temperature of my skin.  Clearly she was no stranger to our mythical existence.  “I’m afraid that’s not possible.  We do have rules to obey,” Demetri said.  She knows too much.

My anger grew exponentially.  Rules?  Apparently some rules only seem to apply outside of the castle. “Then I’m afraid that I’ll be unable to accept Aro’s invitation, Demetri.” 

Felix tensed, prepared to fight.  “That’s just fine,” he growled.  First you, then her.

“Aro will be disappointed,” Demetri said with a sigh.  He didn’t think I stood a chance against Felix, but mapped out a plan for damage control, should the fight draw attention.

“I’m sure he’ll survive the letdown.” I could deflect Felix long enough for Bella to get into the crowd, I was certain. Once she’s safe, we’ll see who’s left standing.

Felix and Demetri smoothly separated, boxing me into this section of the alley, effectively blocking Bella’s escape.

The human woman saw them, too, and her anxiety rose another notch.  He’s protecting her from them!  She pulled her husband close but hesitated.

Bella’s pulse sped, but I couldn’t ease her fear – it was her distress that worried the woman.   The human couldn’t decide whether or not to get involved. 

Do it! I wanted to scream.

My eyes wandered up as I listened for thoughts in the buildings above us; another possible escape. If I could make it inside, maybe through the second story window…

Felix saw my eyes rise.  You’ll never make it carrying her.  He grinned.  Or are you leaving her behind?  I’d be happy to take care of her!  He took another deep breath, his mouth watering.

Bella moved her trembling hand down my back, unknowingly reigning in the growl that rattled in my chest.

Demetri didn’t follow my line of sight.  His attention was focused on Bella.  He tried to sample her mind, and earned a glare from me.  He returned it, wondering if I could feel what he did.  With a sixth, indescribable sense, he reached out to me, filing my mental fingerprint in with others he sensed.  Some were close by: Felix, the Volturi brothers; others were hundreds of miles away.  I’ll find you, if you manage to escape, Edward.

I considered shouting to the humans and forcing the diversion, but was bombarded with the image of Demetri taking Bella away while I struggled with Felix.  Not yet, Edward, we need more witnesses, a ringing mental voice rang out.

Alice, of course!  I turned toward the dark end of the alley, hearing her light strides drawing near. Felix and Demetri both lost their swagger, hearing her approach.

Don’t provoke them Edward, she thought, waiting for me to abandon that tactic before looking ahead again.  The future was a muddled mass of images, undefined as of yet, but two images stood out in the mélange.  The picture of Bella’s pale, immortal face smiling carefully as she embraced Alice was replaced by her broken and mangled body lying dead on a stone floor. 

Alice sorted through the variations on the future, but they all were equally vague.  She gasped at a flickering blond image.  The sight of Jasper’s grief-stricken face erased any relief I felt at Alice’s arrival.  She’d risked her own life, as well as Bella’s to save mine.

The tempest of anger devoured my guilt.  How many people was I destined to doom? One last possibility flashed through Alice’s mind:  Bella being surrounded by a crowd of humans clad in red.

She appeared around a corner, her placid face belying the anxiety she felt.  “Let’s behave ourselves, shall we?  There are ladies present.”  She shot a glance at Bella.

The two guards stiffened, their advantage lost.  They knew better than to challenge one as delicate-looking as Alice, especially without knowing what extra talent she may be packing.

“We’re not alone,” Alice noted, her eyes darting to the humans taking an active interest in our confrontation.  It might work, Edward.

Demetri looked at the woman who was spelling out her concerns to her husband.  When their eyes met, the man immediately flagged a red-coated security officer.  “Please, Edward, let’s be reasonable,” he pleaded, worried that he’d lose all of us if the humans intervened.  Aro was not known for his leniency when punishing poor performers in the guard.

Hope dulled my ire as Alice’s vision cleared, showing us both the guards’ retreat in the face of a human response. Bella’s escape had been guaranteed until another vampire’s decision erased it.

No, dammit!

I wasn’t about to give in yet. “Let’s.  And we’ll leave quietly now, with no one the wiser,” I pressed, trying to force the future that saw Bella walking away alive.  It returned, then flashed to the interfering vampire.  We’re so close!

Demetri’s frustration came out in another sigh.  “At least let us discuss this more privately.”  He was sure that he’d be tracking me down as soon as he let me go.

Bella’s head turned, her gasp catching everyone’s attention.  The group of curious humans had expanded to ten.  I thought the battle was won until…

Too late, Alice thought.  Jane’s here.

Bella’s fingers twitched against my skin when my teeth crashed together.  “No,” I said, knowing it was too late.

Felix heard her coming first, smiling victoriously.  I would have made it quick and painless for your human.

My fists clenched behind me.  No!  You can’t have her!

We haven’t lost yet, Alice thought.  I refused to look at what she wanted to show me.  I couldn’t bear to watch Jane torment Bella.

One vampire – how much trouble could he be? Jane grumbled as she appeared in the same end of the dark alley as Alice.  Well, isn’t this quite the party.  “Enough,” she said.  She inclined her head just enough to glare at me. Give me a reason, Edward.

Shorter than Alice, she hardly appeared dangerous, but as my sister regarded her, she saw that any deviation from Jane’s instructions would end with either Alice or me writhing on the floor, the other engaged with one hooded vampire, and a defenseless Bella smothered by the other.  My options were limited to one.

“Jane,” I said as a surrender, releasing Bella from my protective cage.  As if to punctuate my failure, the breeze whipped Bella’s scent around me again.  I swallowed, the venom searing my throat.  The thirst had lost its power over me, though.  Never again would it tempt me to injure Bella; the idea of my teeth on her skin disgusted me to the point of physical pain.  But even if I wasn’t her executioner, I was the reason she would die, and this time I’d witness her final breath first hand.  No one hated themselves more than I in that instant.

Alice prodded me again.  It’ll be up to Aro.  She saw us standing before the brothers, waiting, but nothing beyond.  Until that decision was made, there was no future for any of us.

Jane didn’t acknowledge Alice or Bella before pivoting on her heel.  “Follow me.”  Aro will be pleased.  She imagined what she’d receive as thanks for bringing us in – she relished the thought of punishing us.

With a wave of his hand, Felix ordered us ahead.  I ignored his mental taunts as I slipped a protective arm around Bella and guided her forward.  She looked up at me with what I guessed was a host of fearful questions written on her face.  No, I won’t let them hurt you, I wanted to say, but couldn’t give her such false hope.  I only shook my head and she looked away, uncomforted.

Even with my arm around Bella, something I’d ached for since I’d left six months ago, I struggled to keep my anger in check.    “Well, Alice, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised to see you here,” I said by way of distraction.

“It was my mistake.  It was my job to set it right.” You look terrible, Alice thought.  Esme won’t be happy to see you so thirsty.  My eyes were blacker than she’d ever seen them. 

“What happened?”  I ignored her optimism at seeing our mother again. This could be my only opportunity to find out what had caused the real-life Shakespearian tragedy we were trapped in. 

“It’s a long story.”  She showed me the vision of Bella standing above the ocean, a disturbingly content smile on her lips.  She crouched and then jumped, screaming on the way down.  The sound matched her smile – it was a celebratory cry, not one of fear. 

For the love of…what had I done to her?  My free hand balled into a fist, but the torture continued.

Bella entered the rough water with very little splash and didn’t surface before the image faded. 

Alice pursed her lips, regret strong in her thoughts.  That’s all I saw.  I’m sorry, I should have called Rosalie when I found out Bella was alive. 

“In summary, she did jump off a cliff, but she wasn’t trying to kill herself.”

Bella’s voice echoed in Alice’s thoughts.  “It was for recreational purposes only.”

“Bella’s all about the extreme sports these days,” Alice finished.  Which is just another form of suicide where Bella’s concerned, if you ask me, she added tartly.

Only one question thundered through my mind.  How did Bella survive?

Alice frowned, seeing my nostrils flare.  She was saved by Jacob Black.  Bella appeared in her memory.  “See, well, he’s…sort of a werewolf.”

A werewolf?  No…the werewolves were extinct!  It couldn’t be!

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Bella look away from me, her cheeks pinking.  Oh yes, it could.

Alice recalled the nauseous odor and enormous size of Jacob, and the vibration he’d experienced in her presence.  He’d come so close to phasing, and right next to Bella.

The street before me took on a red glow as the furor roasted me. 

But it was that sadistic harpy, Fate, who’d earned my wrath.  As if believing Bella were dead wasn’t enough torment.  Resurrecting her,only to have the Volturi kill her in front of me was beyond ruthless.  Now to hear that she’d been living in constant mortal danger in the company of those savage dogs…

She doesn’t just attract danger, Edward, she conjures it.  Like watching a highlight reel, Alice remembered the last few days she’s spent with Bella.  As if the reconstitution of an extinct species weren’t enough to cement the fact that I never should have left, Bella’s own words provided yet another humiliation.

“If it weren’t for the werewolves, Victoria would have gotten me by now. Well, if it weren’t for Jake and his friends, Laurent would have gotten me before she could.”

For all my searching, Victoria had returned to Forks…had been within sight of Bella!  Fate had to be rolling on the floor with laughter at my stupidity.  My head threatened to explode without some outlet for my anger.

At least the dogs took out Laurent, but Victoria is still hunting. Alice’s thoughts were like gasoline on an inferno.

Only Bella’s touch kept me from screaming out in pure, unadulterated rage. 

Edward, are you okay?

It took all the control I could muster to keep walking, and Alice wondered if I was okay?

Edward?

“Hm,” was all I could manage as a response.  We continued down the shaded alley and Alice filled in the last few irritating details. 

The funeral was for one of Charlie’s friends, another Quileute…had he been a dog, too?

Charlie…the look on his face as he’d described Bella as catatonic when I’d left became etched into my eyelids.  The things I’d done to her…monster wasn’t nearly heinous enough a description.

Finally, Alice showed me…myself.  She’d been sitting in Bella’s room when the vision came, the sight of my own destruction at the hands of the Volturi – before I’d taken the time to think about asking for their help.  I didn’t make a sound as they tore me apart; only Alice’s sobs narrated the scene as I vanished in a cloud of purple smoke.

After seeing what Bella had endured in my absence, I had no doubt that my demise would have brought me anything but peace.  No, that would be far too easy and kind an end to such a tortured existence.  Only one thing was absolutely certain.  I was, and always would be, damned.

Bella reappeared in Alice’s memory, her hands on my sister’s face, mirroring her terror.  Alice spoke only one word.

“Edward,” she choked. 

Without a sound, Bella collapsed into Jacob Black’s over-developed arms.  As he carried Bella, my Bella, to the couch, I clenched my jaw so hard that my teeth creaked in protest.

“STOP!  I can’t take any more!” I hissed, the words no louder than a breath of wind.  Bella remained tense but didn’t react, and my fury dissolved into helpless anguish.  In my attempt to protect her, I’d only put her in even more danger.  There wasn’t a penance high enough to pay for my poor judgment, no matter what my motives might have been.

I’m so sorry, Edward, Alice thought, her sincerity lost to my pain.  She’d been against my leaving from the beginning, but I hadn’t listened.  She tried to shoulder some of the responsibility.  I should have done something sooner…

I slowly looked at one building, then the next, silently willing her to stop blaming herself for what was all my fault.  Her loyalty and faithfulness were more than anyone could ever ask of a sister.  She didn’t deserve to bear any guilt for what had happened.  Especially since her death would be added to my list of sins, should we fail to escape.

  The image of the mutt touching Bella lingered, keeping the coals of hatred stoked while I wallowed in guilt.  Even if he had saved her, he’d never touch her again.  I bared my teeth at the thought of coming face to face with the dog.  If only I could loose my anger on him here, now. 

It was the tang of adrenaline that calmed my anger this time.    The open grate leading into the underground world of Volterra greeted us as we reached the end of the alley.

I’ll go first and catch her.  Alice knew I wouldn’t leave Bella’s side while Felix and his hungry thoughts lurked nearby.

As Alice jumped into the tunnel, Bella skidded to a stop, throwing her weight against me.

I’m ready.  Drop her down to me, Alice thought.  I didn’t bother to answer, she already saw Bella landing in her arms.

Calmly I inched Bella forward.  “It’s alright, Bella, Alice will catch you.”  Her fear poured off her skin in waves, and at first I thought it was because of the drop.

Bella sat on the edge of the hole, sliding one foot then the other in as if she were dipping them into boiling oil. “Alice?” she whimpered.

Of course.  She had no reason to trust me any more.

 “I’m right here,” was the reply from below.  Bella still didn’t move, and the vampires behind me grew impatient.

Gently I wrapped my fingers around her wrists, feeling her heart frantically forcing the blood throughout her system.  “Ready?” I asked her.

Alice answered instead. “Drop her.”

I looked for some kind of affirmation from Bella, but she just pinched her eyes and mouth shut, closing herself off.  Remorse replaced all the hatred.  I wanted to apologize, but instead I let her fall.

She let her breath out in a rush when Alice caught her, but I didn’t release mine until Alice promised me she was okay.

I dropped down and promptly captured Bella around the waist, hoping that she’d let me guide her through the dark tunnels.  It was selfish of me to think that she’d prefer my arm over Alice’s, but seeing how she’d fared when I kept my distance from her, I couldn’t stand to be even inches away.  That, and despite the fact I’d done nothing but hurt her, I still loved Bella.  I’d give anything to see her safely away from this hell…but I had nothing to barter with.

Without a word, Bella wrapped her trembling arms around me, out of self-preservation, I assumed.  In the unlit sewer, she’d surely trip and fall – at least that’s what I told myself.

Just pick her up and go! Felix complained, and I considered doing just that.  However, I no longer had any inclination to rush to my judgment, nor hurry Bella or Alice to theirs.

The smell of Bella’s fear hadn’t waned when we’d entered the tunnel, and Demetri savored the scent, exhaling loudly.  I shut out his, and everyone else’s thoughts, focusing only on the sound of Bella’s hammering heart. Again I lied to myself as I touched her face, her lips.  I’m trying to ease her fear.  When my lips met her hair, the lie faded away, but I couldn’t bring voice to the truth.

I’m so sorry, Bella.

She gripped me even tighter, and I wanted to believe she could find it in herself to forgive me for all I’d put her through.  Again I tried to find the words to ask…but couldn’t find a place to start.  Asking her to forgive me for lying, seemed blasphemous, considering she’d come to save me whether I loved her or not.  Nothing I could say could do anything but tarnish the purity of her sacrifice.

Still I caressed her face, trying to calm her frantic pulse and fearful shaking.  She never turned her face up to meet mine; her lips never reacted to my thumb as it traced her mouth.  Maybe she had more secrets that she kept from Alice.  Maybe her heart belonged to another.

No, she still loves you, a tiny voice whispered in my head.  My heart, that piece of me I’d been missing for so long, remained a beacon of hope.  My kiss found Bella’s forehead this time, and I yearned to meet her lips, just one last time.  Even I wasn’t so selfish to presume I deserved such a gift.

No matter where Bella’s adoration lay, I silently promised that I would do everything possible to return her home, alive.  It was the very least I owed her, for throwing her life away to try and save mine.

Our destination loomed before us, leaking a ghostly light into the tunnel.  I wondered if Bella could see it yet.  The silence was interrupted by a rhythmic clatter, and I realized it was Bella’s teeth.  She was freezing, still soaked from the knees down.  What a fool I’d been!

I pulled away from her so she could keep the body heat she had left, but she literally threw herself back around me.  “N-n-NO!” she moaned, locking her hands together around my waist.

I shouldn’t have been happy, shouldn’t have found any relief that she clung to me like I could do anything but give her pneumonia, but I did.  Rubbing her arm, wishing that I could actually provide some heat to her shivering body, I allowed myself one tiny smile.  Maybe she did still love me.

The feeling passed as I listened to Jane ponder if our arrival would postpone her upcoming meal.  I glanced at Alice, but the future remained in Aro’s hands.  I just don’t know, she thought.

  As we passed through the gates and barricades of the underground entrance, I wasn’t surprised when Felix stopped to close them.  The obstacles couldn’t stop us from escaping, but they’d slow us down enough that we’d certainly be caught.

As we entered the lighted, modern portion of the castle, I listened for the vampires who would be our judge and jury. 

Caius was considering a new prospect for the guard.  He was unaware of our arrival.

Marcus was locked in his stupor, as always, still sitting in the same chair I’d seen him in hours ago.

Aro, however, paced in a circular stone room, thinking about me.  We should have heard by now.  His concern for my health had little to do with the friendship he seemed to offer, but more to do with greed.  As if on cue, he heard the final door slam and lock behind us.

Bella relaxed in the warmth and light, but I tensed, hearing Aro’s glee.

Welcome back, Edward.  I’ve been expecting you.