So, you’re a seventeen-year-old boy. You live in Forks, Washington. It’s a tiny little place, barely big enough to call a town, but it’s cool. You moved down here a few years ago, from somewhere much sunnier, but you’ve learnt to accept the rain. You don’t complain, or let it bother you.

Forks is a pretty decent place to live, as far as you’re concerned. You’ve made a few good friends, had a few girlfriends, gotten some semi-decent grades in most of your subjects at school. There’s a beach nearby, and a few places for the teenagers of Forks to hang out when the weather isn’t too bad. You’re happy.

Isabella Swan arrives on the nineteenth of January, junior year. She’s the biggest news since the Cullens, and although you don’t mind living in such a small town, you’re still always glad to see a fresh face. And you soon see that Bella’s face is much more than just fresh.

You’re instantly stunned. She’s gorgeous- that face, that body… you turn into an idiot, following her around all the time, suggesting that new CD to her, making lame jokes about stabbing Cullen with a pencil, but you can’t help it. She’s hot, and she’s got that new-girl-next-door look working for her. You can’t be judged for your thoughts or actions- you’re just a teenage boy, after all. She’s the daughter of the Chief of Police here in Forks, but that’s cool. The Chief likes you- you’ve never been involved in anything dodgy. Mind you- it’d be pretty hard to be involved in anything dodgy in a community town like Forks.

You’re pretty sure the Chief wouldn’t like you very much if he could see inside your head for a minute, though. It’s bad enough that Bella occupies so many of your thoughts now, but you also don’t think he’d be too happy about the…er… more explicit details of your mind. But, hey, you can’t help the fact that you think of her in that way. It’s to be expected. You’re a teenage boy.

It takes a long time for you to work up the courage to do something about Bella. You think you’ve got a good chance- Bella seems to like you way more than your supposed rivals, Crowley, Yorkie… or even Cullen maybe. But Cullen doesn’t really count as a rival anymore. He’s been weird as usual, ignoring her since the accident, so you don’t let him bother you. You’re always talking to her, and she always listens. It’s great.

Or so you think.

You decide to wait for her to make a move. Much less hassle for you, that way. No need to put yourself out there for rejection. There’s a girl’s choice dance coming up, and you bet she’ll ask you straight away. It’s the perfect opportunity.

Someone asks you.

But it’s not Bella. Jessica Stanley. Stanley’s a good friend. She’s funny. Popular. She’s pretty in a way, you suppose. Still, you’re disappointed that Bella hasn’t asked you yet, and you’re less confident than before. You tell Stanley you’ll get back to her. You decide to just take control of the situation and ask Bella yourself.

You make your move in Biology. It’s the perfect time of day- Cullen will be right in front of you, watching you claim Bella. You decide it’ll look more impressive that way. You’re inwardly terrified, but you suppose that you must not have made your intentions clear enough, or Bella would have already asked you. You’re sure she would have, if she knew.

You ask her.

She says no.

You’re angry with yourself and Bella when she turns you down. Girls are just so infuriating sometimes! They say something and you have no way of seeing whether it’s true or not. Did she really have to go to Seattle? Or was she just saying that because Cullen was there?

You finally decide that you guessed wrong. Bella doesn’t see you in the same way. You sit through biology in mortification, and then after school, to boost your ego, you catch up with Jessica and tell her you’ll go to the dance with her. She grins at you, and then turns away to giggle to her friends.

You smile. It’s clear she’s excited. You wonder why Bella isn’t as easy to read as Jess is.

Time flies past, without much really happening. Bella’s still friendly with you. You helped her to the nurse’s office when she got sick in biology. She was kind of gross then, so that memory helps you to get her out of your mind. Edward Cullen stole your limelight on that occasion though- which annoys you more than you’d ever let on. He annoyed you a lot in the few days after your failed attempt to ask Bella out. First he sat next to her at lunch. Then he leapt to her rescue when she felt sick. It was stupid, really, how hard he was trying, considering how he’d behaved after the accident, pretty much ignoring her all of the time. You purposely flaunt your friendship rights to her in front of him. Let him see that you’re taking her to the beach. You. Not him.

But you can tell that Bella likes him. And he likes Bella. Damn it.

You try just one more time to get Bella’s attention. It’s a warm, sunny day- well, the warmest it can possibly get in Forks, anyway. It’s the perfect time to maybe flirt a bit. Bella looks lovely in the sunlight, and when she smiles at you, it reminds you that she did look upset when she turned you down. There was obviously just something very important going on in Seattle.

So, you ask her again. Well… you never actually get around to asking a precise question, but that doesn’t matter. Bella understands, and she makes it perfectly clear that she’s not interested.

But… Jessica is?

Huh. Wow. Huh. Well… she’s cute enough. Not Bella, but you’ve given up on her now.

But… Jessica? Well, she was friendly enough to you before, but because of Bella, you never really took much notice. It’s strange, how quickly your mind changes. All of a sudden, you’re noticing so much more about Jessica. Bella is in some long-forgotten recess of your mind now- you’re too busy imagining yourself with Jess, if you could work up the courage to do something about her affections. Surprisingly enough, you quite like the idea. You start engaging Jess in conversation more, inviting her to sit next to you, dropping a few jokes here and there. And when you ask her to Prom later that day, she says yes with a smile on her face. She’s really excited. It’s kind of cute, really. She’s kind of cute.

You break up with Jessica that summer.

It’s nothing bad, you just… you get bored with her. Bella’s working in Newton’s Olympic Outfitter’s now too, and that’s a big distraction from your girlfriend. And you realise that maybe you don’t want Jess to be your girlfriend. It’s all just so confusing, and you don’t want to have to deal with it.

So you do what any teenage boy would do when he doesn’t want to deal with something. You cut yourself off from it.

The Cullens leave on the sixteenth of September.

The gossip in Forks spreads fast- like wildfire. You know that part of it is because of Jess’s enthusiasm for a good scandal, and you can’t help but feel a bit proud of yourself for having dated such a girl. Still, the news of the Cullens’ departure is shocking, and even more shocking still, is Bella’s reaction to it all. She doesn’t show up to school for the rest of the week, and when she comes back, she just looks so… lifeless. You kind of want to say something- anything –to remind her that you’re on the market, if she’s looking for a way of getting over Cullen, but you think it might sound crude, or needy.

So you don’t say anything. You hang out with the boys, and Bella soon starts to disappear. She never quite seems in her right mind. You set your eyes on another girl- not Jessica, not Bella, but a fairly pretty junior that Austin also has a bit of a crush on. Katie is cute. Redheads aren’t usually your type; you’ve always gone for brunettes in the past. But Katie is nice, and you invite her over to your table. After a few aimless small-talking sessions, you decide that she’s not really much in the brains department, and you stand down for Austin to have a shot with her. He’s thrilled- he’s liked her for a long time.

You kind of forget about Bella for a while. Things with Jess are too distracting to think about getting involved with another girl. She keeps shooting you all of these… looks. And you know it’s girl code for something, but you just can’t figure out what. Things have been awkward with the two of you since the break-up, but you think that it’s looking up now. You like the idea of that- Jess was always a cool girl to hang around with, even before you starting dating her.

Bella joins in a conversation at school on January the nineteenth.

You’re shocked. You haven’t really thought much about Bella for a long time, but suddenly, she’s talking to you about something that happened at work. You didn’t even know she took in a word you said to her in that shop. You think that maybe there’s a reason she’s suddenly paying more attention to you. She’s shy and sweet, standing up for whatever nonsense Angela had been spouting. She doesn’t necessarily look happy- but she looks good. She’s got a spark in her eyes, that you’d thought was lost.

You think to yourself that she might be looking for someone to help her get over Cullen. Well, you could help with that.

You ask her out again, while the two of you are at work. She turns you down. Again. You’re disappointed, but you’ve learnt to accept that with Bella. You offer to go with her as friends- maybe she’ll be more interested if you slowly work up to the idea of a date, and she agrees. But she brings another “friend” along too. Some Quileute kid from the beach last year. It’s obvious that he’s got a better shot at being with her than you. On top of that, the film you choose is so horrific that you actually throw up. Of course, you blame it on the stomach bug that’s going around.

All in all, things don’t exactly go as planned, and you decide to officially give up trying to get Bella. The girl’s cute and everything, but there’s just too much baggage, and you can’t cope with her. You’re not even too bothered when Edward Cullen comes back to Forks and Bella welcomes him with open arms.

You’re done with that.

You get back together with Jess.

It’s strange how it happened. It was a few weeks after graduation. One second you were just minding your own business, stocking shelves at Newton’s Olympic Outfitters, and the next second Jess comes rushing in, with her curls all tangled and wet around her face, and her eyes bright with some new gossip she’s eager to share.

And you realise, for the first time in your life, that she’s beautiful. She’s just so tiny and bouncy, alive with energy and excitement at whatever new story she has to tell.

You want to hear what’s made her so excited. Even if it’s just some crappy new celebrity baby shock or another stupid article on how a Taurus should keep away from Cancers on a night when Jupiter’s aura is in allegiance with Mars or some such rubbish. You want to know, just so that you can hear her voice and determine whether or not she sounds as beautiful as she looks.

“Did you get one too?” She shrieks, jumping up and down with excitement, and although she’s yelling and shoving some bit of paper in your face, you can’t help but grin, because you were right. Her voice is beautiful. It’s familiar and comforting. It reminds you of awkward movie dates and sloppy, drunken kisses on Prom nights. You recall these moments with an actual fondness, and you find yourself wanting to hear more.

“Get one what?” You ask, frowning at the piece of embroidered paper. Looks like a fancy invitation or something, you think.

“An invitation!” She sighs, impatiently. You think for a minute that she’ll probably roll her eyes in frustration with you for being so slow on the latest gossip. And then the strangest thing happens. She does it. She rolls her eyes. And you realise you know Jessica. You were never able to second-guess Bella’s actions, or Katie’s. But you can guess Jess’- and the even weirder thing is that you like what you see. Sure, she’s rude and gossipy and sometimes a bit obnoxious, but she’s also funny and sassy and cool. She’s part of your crowd. She’s a friend. And it would be so easy to see her as something more.

She finally stops flapping the invitation for long enough for you to snatch it from her fluttering hand and scan the contents hurriedly.

You read it once. Twice. Three times. You skip the boring jargon and read the names Edward Anthony Cullen and Isabella Marie Swan again, just to see if it’s really there, and it’s not just your imagination playing up in light of your recent epiphany.

Jess shrieks “Isn’t it so weird? Edward and Bella getting married! They’re just kids!” and you know that although it’s insane, it’s not just you. For one fleeting second you think how convenient it is that the girl you fancy has gone mental at the exact same moment that you do. After all- there’s no need for visitation hours in the loony bin if you’re both crazy! Then you read their names for the seventh time and reality sinks in.

Jess is blabbing on about how; “She must be up the duff, there’s just no way they’d even consider it if she wasn’t…” and you’re listening to her voice and wondering how you never noticed before how pretty she is when her eyes shine with excitement and her voice raises with enthusiasm. I mean, sure, you always thought she was a decent looking girl, but not like this.

You invite Jessica to go with you to the wedding, and she says yes immediately, with an uncharacteristic timid-ness about her presence. You feel a strange urge to hug her or something soppy like that. You do nothing of course. Just an awkward; “Great. See you, then,” because you’re uncomfortable with your new epiphany, and to be honest, what girl expects that kind of thing at such an early stage anyway? It would be weird- you’re just a teenage boy for god’s sake!

Bella looks gorgeous on her wedding day. Stunningly beautiful, and sure, she’s a married woman now, but really, that’s ridiculous. She’s only eighteen! Your mind wanders back to when you first met her- the shy, awkward, but cool new girl. You wonder if you could ever have seen this coming- that eighteen months later you’d be attending her wedding to Cullen with Jessica Stanley on your arm. But then you shake your head with a smile. Jess is an alright girl. She’s a good catch really- a bit bossy and whiny, and she tends to gossip, but doesn’t every teenage girl? That’s all you really need- a nice, normal girlfriend. You realise now that while Bella was nice, she was never normal. She didn’t ever really act like any of the other teenagers at Forks High. It was stupid to think that you could project your ideas of the perfect girl onto her- she would just never fit that description, and you realise it now. Jess is more your idea of perfect. Comfortable. Real. Sometimes you wonder if Bella was ever real- at least, the Bella you know. Did you even know her at all? Her likes, her dislikes? Her laugh, her smile, the subtle differences in her tone of voice when she’s upset, or happy, or mad… you know all of that stuff about Jessica. You don’t necessarily like Jess when she’s mad, but you can tell when she is. But Bella… she was a blank canvas. Unknowable. Untouchable.

Still, untouchable as she is, she still looks incredible. You find yourself yanked to the front of the queue of well-wishers by Jess, and you mumble some pathetic words of congratulations, all the while thinking inappropriate could-have-beens, of where you might be now if you had bothered to actually get to know Bella before it had been too late. And then, thinking even more inappropriate things that certainly had nothing to do with getting to know this beautiful girl’s mind, and everything to do with getting to know her body. You can’t be blamed. You’re an eighteen year old boy.

Edward Cullen clears his throat, and you realise you’ve been staring at his wife’s chest region for a little too long. You cover it up with a blasé comment about how lovely her dress is. You’ve already said the same thing to Jess to pacify her, so she simply smiles and agrees, in the same tone. You thank god that Edward Cullen is just an eighteen year old boy too, and can’t read minds, otherwise you know you’d be in so much trouble right now with Bella’s overprotective boyfriend. No wait- husband. Whatever. You’re a teenage boy. It still sounds insane to you.

You don’t see Isabella Swan again after that day. You hear all of the rumours from Jess of course- the disease, the tragic story of a honeymoon gone terribly wrong. You feel awful for Cullen. After all, you’ve lost her too, but you didn’t really know what you were losing. He knows her. It’s not just a crush for Cullen, it’s love, and you get that now, you really do, because you understand Jess’s weird little mood swings, the way she tries so hard to get your attention, the cute way she flicks her hair back when she’s showing off her pretty face, and the differences between her fake laugh and the real thing- which you strive to hear as much as possible. And you finally understand that her selfishness is just another part of her, but that’s okay, because you’ve accepted her- selfishness and whining included –as she is. After all, she can’t help the way she is.

She, like you, is just a teenager. Nothing more, nothing less, and in a gloomy, creepy little town like Forks, you’re pretty sure you wouldn’t want anything else.