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Reviews For Two Worlds Collide
Reviewer: Angel1918 (Signed) · Date: February 27, 2014 08:17 PM · On: Chapter 8: Back to work

Holy crow! 

Reviewer: chyla1 (Signed) · Date: May 13, 2013 10:33 AM · On: Chapter 5: The dreams continue

That was just plain mean! Lol

Reviewer: chyla1 (Signed) · Date: May 11, 2013 02:38 AM · On: Chapter 1: My life before the book

Hello! I've never read any other character storieS before, but since I have adored all of your other stories, I decided to give this a chance. So far, so good IMO, Maggie's thoughts about Twilight mimic my own a lot. I'm interested to see where this leads...

Reviewer: lmjohn (Signed) · Date: August 26, 2010 02:25 PM · On: Chapter 1: My life before the book

Interesting first chapter...and great analysis of Twilight... I'm intrigued to see what happens so I will read on! Good job!

Reviewer: twilight gypsy (Signed) · Date: June 27, 2010 01:46 PM · On: Chapter 3: Confession to my friend

Another compelling chapter! I wish that had happened to me any of the hundred times I read the book!

Two hours later, we were sitting at my kitchen table, sipping the remains of our third cups of coffee, she at a loss for words and me without any more to give, after telling her about my evening and the book, sparing no detail of my subsequent dream and finishing it off with the discovery of my shoes.

This sentence is too long. Try to break up sentences this long. All of it is too important to get lost. ANd...third CUP of coffee, I think. Maybe end it with a period after 'me without any more to give.  But the next bit really should go first. Just play around with it for a bit. It will come to you.

...coincidence – I mean, you read...

You want a period and new sentence here.

happenstance, but I just couldn’t

 Again with no comma before 'but.' I won't mention that again, :)

I got up to get a glass of wine, and resituated myself with my wine and the book. Apparently, the wine went right to my head after my run, and I soon found my eyelids heavy as I drifted in and out of consciousness.

You have the word 'wine' three times here. How about, ' my glass and the book' ... 'apparently, the pungent beverage went right to my head and I soon found my eyelids heavy as I...

GREAT CHAPTER! I WILL READ ON!

Maria, twilight gypsy

word lottery

 

Reviewer: twilight gypsy (Signed) · Date: June 27, 2010 01:34 PM · On: Chapter 2: My first dream

This is a great chapter. I will point out some things you might not know. Commas are used to join clauses. Two independent clauses, or clauses that could stand alone as sentences do not need a comma. Consider the comma usage in the following:

It was cloudy, and I found myself wandering in a lush, green forest

The forest underbrush and moss gave easily under my quiet footfalls, and the thick air around me smelled of rain, bark, and sap.

The commas before 'and' are unnecessary.

I walked for an immeasurable amount of time; my dreams were often vivid, but lacked a sense of time and space.

You have the word 'time' here twice. Maybe another word? How about 'I don't know how long I walked. My dreams were often vivid but lacked a sense of time and space.

Usually a comma is not needed or correct usage if used before the  word 'but.' That paragraph is not indented as the others are.

The verdant meadow flowed out before me in waves of tall grasses, punctuated by clumps of wildflowers that swayed in an invisible breeze. The sight was hypnotic; I watched the movement of nature with awe and appreciation, failing to see the figure that stood in stark contrast to the other colors before me.

Now this is great writing. You have used a minimum or words to create the biggest impact. That's what fiction writing is all about. You have painted a vivid image for the reader. I am right there with you in the meadow.

Slowly, his lips curled into a half-smile, and I thought I might faint from the sight. He took a tentative step in my direction, as if gauging my reaction, and when I continued to stare at him like an oaf, he took another and continued slowly but with lengthy, purposeful strides, until he was about ten feet from where I stood at the forest edge.

This is good, but is one ginormous sentence. Try to break it up. 'Slowly his lips curled into a half-smile and I thought I might faint from the sight. He took a tent. step in my direction, as if gauging my reaction. When I continued to stare at him like an oaf, he took another and continued slowly with lengthful, purposeful strides until he was about ten feet from where I stood at the forest edge.'

something pleasant; my face felt strangely numb.

Sentence break is better than a semi-colon. ...somthing pleasant. My face felt strangely numb.'

Sometimes you want a shor sentence. It conveys importance.

...to sit on the dewy ground, and sat behind me...

Lose the comma before 'and'

We didn’t say anything to each other, but it...

Lose the comma before 'but'

The ground tilted and spun away from me, and I was certain I was falling through space.

Lose the comma before 'and' as you are joining two independent clauses.

...beside my bed, as I landed there...  

Again, no comma needed. I would reconstruct that sentence to make it less wordy.

WHAT A GREAT ENDING!

I will read on!

Maria, twilight gypsy

word lottery

 

Reviewer: twilight gypsy (Signed) · Date: June 27, 2010 01:11 PM · On: Chapter 1: My life before the book

From twilight gypsy, aka the word lottery!

Very excellent start to a story. It's got a hook, the thing that fiction writing needs to get the reader 'hooked' to stay with the story. You have a solid beginning, middle and end to your chapter, but I couldn't get the white boxes to open when I clicked them. I thought they were original text? ha. I have it memorized, so that didn't bother me!

Do you have a Beta? You didn't mention one, but everyone needs a Beta. Project Team Beta, or PTB, is a good option if you don't have anybody else to do it for you. I've had some great ones (the one I have now I wouldn't trade for real money) but I had to go through some duds to get there.

Your punctuation is generally excellent, except for the em dash. It looks like a hyphen? on a PC the em dash is a long dash, with no space between the words. You use it sparinly or it loses its appeal. Two hyphens, hit the enter key and backspace and VIOLA the em dash. It's made differently on word 2007, though, and on a Mac. But figure it out. It's essential to use it correctly.

In your first paragraph, I would eliminate some of the em dashes. for instance,

I had been working as a freelance book reviewer for three years - the perfect combination of my adoration of writing and unending thirst for a good read – before the book that began my journey ended up in my hands. My boss had informed me that I was to review the first in what was to be a four-book series about a teen romance with a twist. The genre wasn’t one I gravitated to naturally, but I love to read just about anything and I was getting paid for this series of reviews, which always helps. So I agreed, thinking that in the least it would afford me some steady work, a bit of money in my pocket and additional clips for my portfolio.

Maybe the italics work better than the dash, as there are already two of them. 

My chosen profession had evaded me during my earlier years, although writing was a constant companion throughout my schooling. It took a failed attempt at my first college major – countless frustrating hours spent in the biology lab and far more dollars later – to come to my personal epiphany. Once I returned to what I knew best – putting emotions, ideas and sentiments into words – the rest of my college years and my jobs laid themselves before me like Dorothy’s yellow-brick road. I loved my job, and I liked to think I was good at it.

How about ' It took a failed attempt at my first college major and countless frustrating hours spent in the biology lab, not to mention the cost, , to come to my personal epiphany.'

Don't overuse the em dash.

I was, in truth, a bit of a bookworm – shy, studious, a bit of a nerd and honestly a tad afraid of grown men at this stage in my life.

Now, I like this use of the em dash, but a real editor would pencil it out. Why? Too many already in a short chapter of just over 1000 words.

How about ' I was, in truth, a bit of a bookworm. Always shy, somewhat studious, a bit of a nerd, honestly, and a tad afraid of grown men at this stage of my life.'

That says the same thing but eliminates unnecessary punctuation.

"Nuff said. I will read on!

 

Maria

Word lottery



Author's Response:

Maria - Wow. Thanks. Truthfully, this was the first fan fic I wrote, and it;s a bit rough around the edges. I think my other fic, Here's to Strategy, is a bit more polished. I just never bothered to go back into this one and tighten it. I just figured it would be a good reminder to me of how my writing has evolved even from this short timespan. Yes, I had betas for this fic. One pre-reader and a VB.

Lumedog 7

 

Thanks!

Reviewer: imheather (Signed) · Date: June 03, 2010 09:53 AM · On: Chapter 6: The date

Jale is lovely.  Were he real I would hunt him down for myself. :)

Reviewer: imheather (Signed) · Date: June 02, 2010 11:34 PM · On: Chapter 5: The dreams continue

OMG!!!  That was just wrong.  How the friggin' hell can you cockblock Edward?  Come on, they both deserved to get laid.

meanie  :-(        

Reviewer: eyes of topaz (Signed) · Date: May 08, 2010 06:58 PM · On: Chapter 16: I had a dream

I really enjoyed the story although I am feeling a bit like I was being taught a lesson to put my twilight books away and go pay attention to my husband>LMAO

It was refreshing to read something different though...thank you for a great read!



Author's Response:

Thank you so much for all of the comments! It was so much fun to read your reaction to each chapter. What a nice treat for me! I'm glad you enjoyed it, even though it wasn't a BxE tale. Truth be told, I am Pro-Edward all day long, but the story kind of wrote itself. I love it when they do that!

If you'd like to read my other one, check it out! It's called Here's to Strategy. It features an all-human cast, and is most definitely BxE.

Thank you again!

Hugs, Lumedog

Reviewer: eyes of topaz (Signed) · Date: May 08, 2010 06:52 PM · On: Chapter 15: Reunion

awww...very nice chapter..sniff...sniff.....but I miss Edward!

Reviewer: eyes of topaz (Signed) · Date: May 08, 2010 06:47 PM · On: Chapter 14: The confrontation

LOL.....your plea for forgiveness was heartfelt.....and understand why Maggie walked away....although I can't say I am happy about it!!  This has been a great story though...really unique

Reviewer: eyes of topaz (Signed) · Date: May 08, 2010 06:29 PM · On: Chapter 11: Conflict

Hmm....ok.....I am not sure I want to go ahead...LOL.  I know she is going to do the right thing and give Edward up....not sure I am in agreement. LOL

Reviewer: eyes of topaz (Signed) · Date: May 08, 2010 05:53 PM · On: Chapter 9: Two worlds collide

LMAO....I am so gonna die laughing if Jacob brings over Twilight for them to watch!!

Reviewer: eyes of topaz (Signed) · Date: May 08, 2010 05:47 PM · On: Chapter 8: Back to work

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!   She brought him out of the dream!!!  I would be so cancelling dinner plans with Sarah!

Reviewer: eyes of topaz (Signed) · Date: May 08, 2010 05:27 PM · On: Chapter 5: The dreams continue

Now that was a dream!!!!!

Reviewer: eyes of topaz (Signed) · Date: May 08, 2010 05:20 PM · On: Chapter 4: Hello my name is...

Hmmm....interesting chapter!  Anxious for Maggie to get back to sleep though!! LOL

 

 

Reviewer: eyes of topaz (Signed) · Date: May 08, 2010 05:09 PM · On: Chapter 1: My life before the book

Wow...I just happened to wander in on this and have to say you have me hooked as I felt much the same way when I read it the first time..LOL  - can't wait to see where you have gone with this storyline...

Reviewer: Edwardia Maven (Signed) · Date: April 14, 2010 04:22 PM · On: Chapter 1: My life before the book

couldn't read anything in white boxes bah



Author's Response:

Yeah, so sorry about that. I've been meaning to go back and reload that chapter. Thanks for the reminder. It's ony that first one.

Reviewer: Camilla (Signed) · Date: April 14, 2010 09:11 AM · On: Chapter 1: My life before the book

SORRY, of course I meant Bella and Jacob! Just a typo... urgh



Author's Response:

Oh, so you're leaving me because the girl wants Jake? Keep in mind, this is not Bella. Her name is Maggie. Sorry that you're leaving because of Jake. He's a nice guy.

Thanks for clarifying.

Reviewer: Camilla (Signed) · Date: April 14, 2010 08:23 AM · On: Chapter 15: Reunion

I am sorry, but if your muse is taking you here, I am not going to follow.I'll gfo somewhere else. After all, there are a lot of stories where E&J do not make love.

By



Author's Response:

My dear - What?! E and J?! No way! Sorry, but I'm not into slash. I don't know how the heck you got that from this chapter, or the rest of the story. I'm assuming by ExJ you mean Edward and Jake.

Please explain - help me understand why you've decided to leave. It's Maggie and Jake and Edward...and she's choosing one in the end.

Thanks.

Reviewer: tigress89 (Anonymous) · Date: April 09, 2010 07:05 PM · On: Chapter 14: The confrontation

I am loving this story so much right now, but there's something irking me from Maggie's dream.

Is Edward going to come back even if she and Jacob are together already? He's emanating this vibe that he'll be back....and soon.

Am I right?

Anyway, great story. I look forward to reading more soon. :D

Reviewer: Camilla (Signed) · Date: April 09, 2010 01:46 AM · On: Chapter 14: The confrontation

I do keep reading, but I too am team Edward, so do find a satisfying solution, eventually

Reviewer: VampFan (Signed) · Date: April 08, 2010 03:17 PM · On: Chapter 14: The confrontation

Stories kinda do that to that to you sometimes. I had Taha Aki show up as a wolf in Bella's back yard, and I had no intention of adding him to the story. He ended up being a pivotal player.

This story is sweet. And I don't hate Jake. But of course, I'd like it more if Edward won. But I'll stick with it. Great job.

Reviewer: scovington (Signed) · Date: December 10, 2009 02:45 PM · On: Chapter 1: My life before the book

I am in love with this...and am anxiously awaiting new chapters! Please update...soon!



Author's Response:

Oh, I'm so glad you like it! It was my first labor of love and ff, so I appreciate the comments! I will update soon - promise!

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